The Andalite Chronicles:
“I Had A Yeerk In My Ear,”
Katie Holmes Tells Exclusively To Fashionasty Headquarters
WHAT VANITY FAIR DIDN’T KNOW KATIE KNEW:
Katie Holmes issued an exxxclusive interview with Fashionasty Headquarters (FH) after her recent Vanity Fair article scanned over some of the rather jarring white-elephant-in-the-room topics (i.e. Tom’s sexual orientation – I mean…the pending YEERK INVASION that other news sources failed to report.)
FH: Thanks so much for meeting with me, Katie.
Katie: Are you kidding? I love Fashionasty! It’s like the Quibbler!
FH: Would you excuse me for a second?
*Jake walks into bathroom, closing the door behind him. Letting himself go for a moment, he soft cries like the pitter patter rain on a lazy English sunday. Moments later, cleaning his eyes, he looks at himself in the mirror, beaming. Whispering, “You did it,” he smirks before heading back into the interview chair.*
Sorry about that, OK, so what REALLY went on between you and Tom?
Katie: Well…I can’t say much. My name is Katie. I can’t even tell you my last name.
FH: Um…well your last name is Holmes…Sorry to tell you but like everyone in the English language knows your last name…
Katie: Shh! There could be controllers EVERYWHERE.
FH: Now, what’s a controller? Is that like a Janet Jackson impersonator?
Katie: No. They are human hosts for these alien parasites that landed on Earth in 1996. They are called Yeerks. Everyone in Scientology is a controller.
FH: Are you F***ING kidding me?! That’s INSANE! How is this like not real news?!
Katie: Well…The Bush Administration (all Controllers) funds practically the entire Scientology branch. George W. Bush is Visser Four.
Katie:…(cont’d) John Travolta is Visser One. He’s like the head honcho. And Will and Jada, Vissers Two and Three.
FH: Shut the front door!
Katie: And Tom [Cruise] is a Hork Bajir.
FH: A whore – what?
Katie: Hork Bajir. He’s like a minion for the Vissers.
FH: I like really can’t right now!
Katie: I use to have a…*shudders*…sorry, do you have a tissue?
*pulls a hanky out from under his Hilary Banks’ pant suit.*
Katie: I use to have a…YEERK IN MY EAR!!!
FH: A what?!
Katie: A yeerk. A slug-like alien that crawls in your ear. You become a living host for this parasite.
FH: So you’re trying to tell me Scientologists are all controllers and they have slugs in their brains?! That is some f***ed up s***! I’m like about to freak out. I’m like two seconds from freaking the f*** out! SHUT UP!
Katie: I didn’t say anything…
FH: So how did you escape?
Katie: Suri noticed me acting different and tied me up in her limited edition American Doll house.
FH: Aww, that’s so cute, you got her an American Doll house?
Katie: Are you kidding? BITCH PLEASE, I bought her the entire store front in NYC…Anyways, she tied me up and after three days, the YEERK died and fell out of my ear!
FH: HOLY F***!
Katie: And now the center for Scientology in NYC – which is really “The Sharing” – a meeting ground to recruit new controllers AND is the main yeerk pool hub, is trying to cover the whole thing up and say that I’m crazy.
FH: Well I totally believe you. Aren’t you afraid though? How many yeerks are out there?
Katie: Millions! Romney, Ann, and Paul Ryan – ALL CONTROLLERS. Mel Gibson. All the Real Housewives. Anyone who listens to Nicki Minaj. CONTROLLERS.
FH: Do you have any protection?
Katie: Nicole Kidman. She’s an andalite…
Katie: She’s half alien/half horse and is blue. She just took human form when she came to Earth. She gave me and Suri the power to morph into animals. We’ve been morphing into wolves, lions, tigers, lizards, everything! To stay safe…
FH: LOL, I was wondering why you looked like a beaver…I didn’t want to offend you.
*Laughs for the first time in the interview*
Will be okay though. We just have to keep fighting the war against yeerks.
FH: Any suggestions?
Katie: VOTE OBAMA.
FH: Well thank you Katie for coming clean. You’re an inspiration.
Katie: Thank you, Jake.
*Morphs into a mouse and scurries out of sight.*
© JAKE THOMPSON