“The Bitch With The Pink Face”:
Placing 8th( Out Of 8) @ Azealia Banks’ Mermaid Ball 2012
“Who’s the last bitch that’s gonna compete?” Brooke Candy – a fierce fashionasty, and LA personality who hosted The Mermaid Ball on Saturday night – asked on stage with a line-up of already seven eccentric queens that she handpicked from the audience. One, mind you, was such an impressive fish fetale, that her friends had to carry her on stage because, well, she had a fin…
The sold out venue of mer people went hysteric.
GILLS OUT, I somehow found myself floating (in busted six inch – two sizes too small – glitter pumps) towards the front of the sea…
*SIDENOTE: First rule of thumb, or rather, fin, NEVER wear a Party City wig with a sequins mini-frock. OK. We all may have hated Phi Phi with a capital “H,” butt sister was right. If you can fork out the extra $10 for a nicer one, DO SO.
BACK 2 THE STORY: Brooke Candy – decked out in six inch pink and black flatforms – met my drunken eyes in the crowd. I had three layers of what I’m still not sure is legally toxxxic-free metallic purple spray paint (for hair, don’t worry), that miraculously morphed my face into a permanent Ron English painting. THINK: Britney Spears’ sad eyes, with clown lips. I flashed her my punkabilly witch smile, fake-missing tooth and all, as one of my Gwen Stefani-inspired face sticker gems fell off my forehead. I was a WORKING CLASS BLUE COLLAR MERMAID, OK, FASHIONASTIES.
“THE BITCH WITH THE PINK FACE!!!” Brooke yelled, pointing at me.
The crowd roared and before I knew it, my scrappy stilletos were climbing over the sound speakers, where two security guards “helped me down.” Meaning I sort of fell four feet, landing Lucy Lui stance, sending a ringing that shot up my legs to my core. I mouthed “fuck” as a group of Jeremy Scott / Judy Funnie types starred at my make-shift beauty. I must’ve thought I was serving Versace realness, when infact, I was most likely giving Forever 21 free aSSvertising space…I guess after six drinks of vodka mixxxed with anything, you’d feel confident enough to flash your faux Chanel white quilted purse at anyone as you strut by…
OR, you can be like me and have your bag facing backwards, so no one can see the infamous Double C logo and you just look like “THAT BITCH” who should’ve been put away wet three hours ago…
I’d never make it in this world of product placement…
As I made the stage, I took the last covetted spot hoping I’d catch a glimpse of Queen Banks…unfortunately, I didn’t *preemptive sad face! Butt, I thought, FINS UP BITCHES, I’m going to win this contest and ruin these kunts.
True midwest mess and all.
In the end though, it DID feel like winning the gold medal. Certain mer people in the crowd understood my David Lynch lipstick smear reference, and (bless his soul) I have a fangirl who came up to me after the show saying, “My friends and I wanted the pink bitch to win.”
The fact that Queen Banks throws a MERMAID BALL AKA GAY HEAVEN proves that this liquorice bitch is better than all your favs. It was Paris is Burning meets Paris Hilton and I’m certain Azealia is gonna deliver the ALBUM OF THE YEAR.
I LUV U AZEALIA, IDK IF U’LL EVER READ THIS BUTT I DO!!!
If you haven’t downloaded AB’s mixxxtape “FANTASEA,” you can do so here/queer!
© JAKE THOMPSON