With Satan’s birthday (suffice to popular belief, I’m not talking about me!) just around the pumpkin patch, I was trying to decide whether or naught(y) to make a Halloween post. Rather than squirting a diet can of fizzed-down Fashionasty Halloween How-To’s post, I figured costumes are a full-time, walking resume for a fashionasty. We TRICK the masses with smoking mirrors at how fabulous we are on the daily, and we TREAT ourselves to YSL cologne, sashimi, and back massages on the weekends. That being said, Halloween is just another day in the dolce vita!
BUTT, there is one thing we don’t get to celebrate everyday: Voldemort’s birthday.
You’ve already extendabled your ears to my first volume: Fashionasty Presents: Harry Potter MixxxTape: Volume 1 and naught(y) to EARitate the Death Eaters, butt I think Vol. 2 may be thee house cup trophy fashionasties have been waiting for!
Harry Potter Mixxxtape Vol. 2:
Love Songs As Told By Lord Voldemort
Curated by Jake Thompson
I think the main reason I made this mixxx is because for the longest time I’ve wanted to do Voldemort drag to Cher’s “Half Breed.” Butt that’s like eight layers of performance art (if you count all seven horcruxxxes). Butt also, I thought it was a good w(g)ay to let fashionasties know that Lord Voldemort needs LOVE too. And so do his loyal Death Eaters. Sort of like duet compilation disks, this mixxxtape enacts like a wedding with Voldemort and himself. We see your upcumming nuptials Edward & Bella, and we raise you an Elder Wand! I thought of what he eats, prays, and loves. I also thought about LARP scenarios like, how does Bellatrix feel everytime she sees Voldemort kissing his one-eyed monster Nagini instead of her? From that, I’ve curated an entire narrative via some of my favorite songs for the “Owner Of A Lonely Heart.” From his birth to his death to his rebirth to his redeath. Move over GaGa, there is only one true master of “Born This Way.” #SeeYouInHell
You know the drill:
THE FIRST 20 FASHIONASTIES THAT SEND ME THEIR MAILING ADDRESSES WILL GET A COPY VIA OWL POST! (OF COURSE IF YOU’RE THE 21ST OR EVEN THE 69TH, WE’LL FIND A W[G]AY TO GET YOU ONE – I KNOW MY W[G]AY AROUND A PORTKEY AND HAVE MINISTRY-APPROVED ACCESS TO MOST FLOO NETWORKS.)
***DON’T DOWNLOAD THESE (UNLESS UR A MUGGLE – WHICH FASHIONASTIES ARE NOT!) ON UR OWN ACCORD, IT DEFEATS THE NORWEGIAN RIDGEBACK & DE-ILLUMINATES THE MAGIK!***
Click on each song and let your ears slip into Diagon Alley
& read my thoughts straight from my iTunes Occlumency.
“Teardrops…heartaches…all of the way!” I think a young Tom Riddle knew that all too well. Plus, opening a mixxxtape with The Flirtations is like teazing the appetizer with your Parseltongue.
PS. LEAVE LINDSAY A-LOHAN!
Grrl’s going through a ruff time. Who hasn’t?!
Have you been in a movie with Meryl Streep?! Didn’t think so…
Also, Can we just:
I have this geeked-out fantasy that Bellatrix and Voldemort had unrequited college sex right before Thanksgiving break. Voldemort’s people have since denied the incident so The Daily Prophet’s “Wizards Are Just Like Us” spread had to run instead. Butt Bellatrix has gone on record that their one-night-in-parseltongue was the best night of her life. I picture Lady LeStrange, head-to-toe Dior (duh), peering out the window as a much happier Voldemort leaves their Motel 666.
Lydia Lunch has such a sex-in-the-backseat voice. So it got me to thinking about how all magical creatures want power and how power = sex, right? How else was Voldemort gonna infiltrate the Ministry without getting into the pants of the press and the JUNKet. After he exxxits Rita Skeeter’s hotel room, she transfigures her writing quill into a Virginia Slim and smokes the s*** out of it as this song lights up.
Don’t be fooled fashionasties: Voldemort was no hetero-wizard. This bitch was full blown blowing wands left and right. Especially wands that shot white lightening, if you catch my snitch! Meow! Who do you think he loved more than himself? HARRY. Malaria’s opening line, “I’ve traveled the world for you” pretty much sums it up. Other than Lisa Stratfield’s “Around The World,” can a girl get a Carmen in her San Diego???
This song was actually Merupe Gaunt’s (Voldemort’s mother) stripper song when she purrformed amateur night on Tuesdays. This is how she met a muggle named Tom Riddle aka the son of antichrist was born.
I like to set up these songs cinematically in my head so I picture this song playing in the first ever chapter of the Potter franchise aka The Boy Who Lived. They’ve just tucked baby Harry into bed, and as Lily and James dance in their living room to The Shirelles, Voldemort watches from his Black Jaguar – tinted windows (duh). Scary, I know.
This is like the emo pop-up video version of what really happened in Godric’s Hollow. Don’t be a moldy peach, just be a queen. You totally listened to Adam Green in high school and you were awesome. This song plays as Voldemort makes his way to the Potter’s house. Just like the lyrics suggest, “Baby’s gonna be alright,” however Voldemort loved someone more than Harry: himself.
Green Eyes. The color of his true love: Harry.
Oh, I just LOVE Helene Smith’s voice. It’s so sad and compelling. This song goes out to any Death Eater that was under the Imperius curse.
Can we all agree to disagree that Voldemort is a total Buffalo Bill?! Seven layers of drag is impressive for any queen. Can a girl get a Hail Mary!
This song is actually dedicated to Dennis Bishop and Amy Benson. You know, the two muggle teens Voldemort ***did*** stuff to in that creepy cave. I picture this song playing the entire time.
We don’t know what happened in that cave, and we don’t know if Voldy liked Dennis or Amy…(Dennis, obvs, c’mon let’s be real!) butt we do know that Billy Ocean is the Crookshanks to my Scabbers. And this video is a Level 5 Cosplayer if I ever saw one! Even within the opening – what with all the pink triangles and Illuminati-status drops, it’s gayer than anything Lady GaGa could ever produce. PLUS – can’t you totally picture Voldemort escaping the scene-of-the-crime on that thestral?!
I’m always gonna put it out for Moaning Myrtle! Grrl had the short end of the raven’s claw. Just take a look at a post I dedicated to her: Moaning Morgendorffer & The Chamber of Secret(ion)s: You’re Standing On My (Nearly Headless) Neck. This song happens right when a young Tom Marvolo Riddle denies dittling her skittle in the girl’s second floor lavatory.
Voldemort enjoyed the finest things in life. I would’ve put Drake’s “Fancy” on here but it didn’t really fit the Knight bus ticket. Diamonds, Fur Coat, and Champagne really envisions what Voldemort must be like behind closed doors…Walk, walk, fashionasty!
I picture Peter Pettigrew, Bellatrix LeStrange, and all the Death Eaters clanking their butterbeers when they hear Voldemort is coming back to life (in the 4th book). I picture them (a la the opening to Wet Hot American Summer around the camp fire in 70’s short-shorts) around Voldemort’s cauldron getting totally shit-faced making out with each other awaiting his return.
This song stops all the Death Eaters in their tracks as they see the cauldron bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble. Kind of like my stomach after I eat tuna salad…
Remember the creepy CGI-ed bald baby Voldemort (not the one in the 7th movie), but the one in the 4th that floated out of the cauldron like a transformer hybrid of Stimpy from Ren and Stimpy and Brain from Pinky and the Brain?! Now picture that part with Donna Summer’s “I Feel Love” playing. I’m not condoning the movement Voldemort and his Death Eaters sought out for, but in their own way, they saw “love” that night. Besides, stop getting so serious on the internet, this is suppose to be F – U – N, silly billys!!!
I picture Voldemort making a mega art-fag “We Wanna Recruit You” VHS tape for prospective Death Eaters. “Isn’t it nice, sugar and spice, luring disco dollies to a life of vice.” Problem is, I think me and all my friends would be “on his tight black leash” faster than a buldger to a quaffle!
Voldemort wasn’t born this way, he was just in love with Judas. We all are, it’s OK.
I may or may not have just seen “Drive.” That’s up for you to decide and for me…to figure out? But like, how fabulous would it be if Voldemort spoke in Autotune?! Wouldn’t that be such a different visceral viewing experience?!?! Anyways, I WISH this song played when Voldemort is chasing the seven polyjuice potion Harry’s in Part 1 of the final movie. It’s so sexy and isolated.
This should’ve been the final song that plays during Harry and Voldemort’s battle in Part Two of the last movie. Like, in the words of the girl-that-doesn’t-go-here from Mean Girls, “I wish we could all bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and we could all eat it together.”
This post approved by another one of my posts:
(Naught[y] to be a total Narissa Malfoy narcissist, butt I’ve already been featured TWICE on #Pottermore’s website, so I figure, if I have a link with all four of my HP links, I’m one step closing to crossing Platform 9 and 3/4 aka HIRE ME #POTTERMORE!!! That’s right, I’m an AZN Ravenclaw and I was born to brand. #SeeYouInHell)
© JAKE THOMPSON