Cum 2 My Window: (ΔΞYΞΔ §©RΞÅM [Social]) Climbing ✞he Fashionasty Ladder Poll: Billy Vs. Dawson Vs. Sam

This just in fashionasties: There’s a new back-2-kool Fall a(sex)ccesory: LADDER$.
And I don’t mean (social) climbing them.
I’m tawkin’ about the bois that teeter their totters & cum 2 ur window. . .

Fashionasty Presents:
Cum 2 My Window:
(ΔΞYΞΔ §©RΞÅM [Social]) Climbing ✞he Fashionasty Ladder Poll:
Billy Vs. Dawson Vs. Sam

[“Cum 2 My Window,” Original (F)art by Jake Thompson]

Here/queer at Fashionasty Headquarters, the Santa Ana humidity has karmageddeoned the West Coast, hitting us with some maj heat waves. Naught(y) to sound like #whitepplproblems, butt temps got so hot I kind of wanted to kiss the rain…

Hello? Can you hear me, fashionasties?
Billy Myers got me to thinking about the romanticism of the 90’s when bois would pitch a ladder, and climb to the protaggy proangsty girl-next-door’s window…Then – if we can Kevin Bacon ping-pong for a second, fashionasties: Billy Myers – Billy Loomis – climbs Sidney Prescott’s window – Dawson Leery climbs Joey Potter’s window – Sam Anders climbs Clarissa Darling’s window. DINGDINGDING – Fashionasty post alert! AKA brass knot AKA you’ve just entered my brain like Occlumency (Can a girl get a mind-meld?!) ***Hang out with me long enuff at a coffee bar and this is the ven diagram of how my brain werqs.***

This post’s goal will be to find out who between Billy, Dawson, or Sam,
was crowned the Fashionastiest on the fashionasty ladder for life.
We’ll deli-sandwich-gate a weiner bi-(curious) looking at three areas:

1) Fashion (who’s personal style makes me weak in the snowpeas)

2) Nasty (who’s behooved to behave in their most natural habitatty)

and 3) Fashionasty (who’s got it going on, in the front, in the back, & all-around, if you know what I’m sayyyiiinnnggg!)

SCORING:
3 – (S)exxxceeds (S)exxxpectations.
2– Meets required standards.
1 – Tried. Fashionasty always rewards!

…ON UR MARK, CLIMB UR LADDERS, GO!…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BILLY LOOMIS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He might look like an uncanny 21 Hump street substitute, butt don’t think this “PG-13” yearning youngster’s looks won’t kill. Because (obviously) they do. Butt if you like your bois bad and will make you tender in the jeans, then maybe Billy Loomis is a suitable match made in ladder climbing Hell.


1) FASHION
This look won’t cost you an arm and a leg. Well – actually, it might cost you your life (if you’re Drew Barrymore) – don’t answer the phone! Butt if you’re willing to take the risk, just snag a white fruit-of-the-loom tee, ketchup (blood), and a knife. Billy’s anti-style was what made him such a stylish serial killer. If you’re going to be the mayor of Stab city, there’s obvs a pang of narcissism in your maxi pad – I mean c’mon Billy would check himself out in the dagger’s reflection right before a kill. PLUS – he wore baby blue denims throughout the hour and a half entirety of horror. Guess high-waisted acid washes never fade (or die).
SCORE: 2.

2) NASTY –
Well, he really owned the factoid that he was a stone cold (fox) killer. Butt, we here/queer at Fashionasty Headquarters don’t condone that in the slightest!!!
SCORE: 1.

3) FASHIONASTY –
As a mitosis of the two (fashion and nasty), we didn’t get to know Billy as well as we got to know Dawson and Sam. We learned more about him through Roseanne Barr’s elder sister in the sequel Scream 2 & she gave Michele Bachmann’s stare-down a run 4 her money:


Collectively Billy hid behind a mask (something fashionasties do NOT do- unless of course it’s for costume or sport).
SCORE: 1

TOTAL SCORE:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~DAWSON LEERY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


OK – so you’re probably thinking, “Is this like the member of LFO that didn’t make the band?” But actually, he’s [Dawson] way normal for a teenager. If you like wet blankets (like an entire creek-worthy) who “wag the dog” to Katie Couric every morning before school, well, then pull on your skin tight jeans so Dawson Leery can be your Teenage Dream tonight.

1) FASHION –
I think J Crew, Aeropostale, and every-other fabulously douchey bro brand signed blood with the CW network in the mid-90’s. They were like two seconds aw(g)ay from donning Skechers shape-ups with their baggy Seattle sweaters.


That being said, Dawson was the poster child for the back-2-basic looks. I remember when I was ten and I’d wear flannels to try and embody Joey from Friends (I know, don’t judge), but I never quite caught a case of the Leery. Butt, there’s something so “virgin-who-can’t-drive” about the parted swoop and the batty eyelashes. If you’re going for that early Britney Spears “Sometimes” look, Dawson is your go-to-girl.
SCORE: 2

2) NASTY –
Dawson and Billy have something in common other than climbing in girl’s windows. They also can be found under the same definition for “serial.” Only Dawson would be for dating. He strung along Joey Potter & Jen Lindley all first season.
Which can we be like SO REAL for three seconds? Dawson turned down this:

[Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe]

Butt more importantly, THIS:

[“Arlene Lorenzo,” – Dick]

AND – can we still dip our paint brush in the life portrait of Dawson Leery’s (s)exxxistance that he WAGGED THE DOG TO KATIE COURIC EVERY MORNING when he woke with a banana hammock hanging from his four post bed?!?!

SCORE: 2

(I’m going to have to ask you watch the above video 45 more times in a row – I can’t stop laffing).

3) FASHIONASTY –
One thing Fashionasty Headquarters can truly appreciate is that Dawson was a boner-fide nerd nasty (just like us!) If Steven Speilberg were a tripod, Dawson would get on his knees and shoot his camcorder reel for hours. He was a movie geek and often lived between dualities – playing make-believe (can we talk about the zombie film he made…) – much like the way fashionasties LARP and cosplay every chance we get.
SCORE: 2

TOTAL SCORE:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~3) SAM ANDERS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA NA NA (Hey cool!)
He was a boi, and Clarissa was a grrl, can we make it any more obvious? He was a sk8er boi, she said C U l8er boi. Sam put the gak in gak attack every day when he’d pull up to the Darling residence.

1) FASHION –
Sam was the quintessential trendsetter for Nickelodeon. He came before All That, Alex Mack, Kenan & Kell, and Pete & Pete, so he had to pave the w(g)ay. His counter-part Clarissa Darling already set above-and-beyond fashionasty standards with polka dots, scrunchies, and neon…so he had nothing to lose!


Also, can we just for a second:


I recall early years when I was a brace face and I’d come home from school and watch The Wild Thornberrys. I would play legos (nerd til the day I fly) and build RV’s and campers because I wanted my family to be just like Eliza and hers. And I remember I started to cut slits (sorry it’s such a gross word but I don’t know what else to use) in all the knees of my jnco jeans so that I could look like this fierce bitch:


Debbie Thornberry, Eliza’s “Nirvana” elder sister. Butt, then it hit me: she was just being (Miley) Sam. There he goes, trend setting again. We’re all just living in Sam Ander’s world.
SCORE: 3

2) NASTY –
Sam had an all around optimistic dispo whereas Clarissa was a little bit more cynical of the world around her. What, with Mrs. Darling’s tofu sundaes and Ferguson:


Sam was known for his classic saying, “What’s the worst that can happen?” An M.O. that Fashionasty Headquarters and fashionasties across the glitter globe can identify with.

SCORE: 3

3) FASHIONASTY –
Sam had a distinctive guitar strum when he’d enter Clarissa’s window. Kinda like a “boing.” How darling…


SCORE:
3

TOTAL SCORE:
9
______________________________________________
TOTAL TALLY:
BILLY: 4
DAWSON: 7
SAM: 9

THE WINNER IS:


This post approved by:

XOXO,

© JAKE THOMPSON

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About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
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