Moaning Morgendorffer & The Chamber of Secret(ion)s:
You’re Standing On My (Nearly Headless) Neck
Bi-(curious) now, fashionasties are quite aware of my undying – and sometimes unhealthy – love affair with Harry Potter. And after the sucksess of my other Potter post: The Boi Who Jizzed: Fashionasty & The Se7ven Deadly (White) Zins / Deathly (W)horecruxxxes, it got me thinking to myself, Y(SL) naught(y) finally confront my Mirror of Erised and hone the factoid that I am two se(x)conds aw(g)ay from becoming a slash fanfi(x)ction writer. So today during breakfast in the Great Hall,
it hit me faster than a quaffle to a bludger:
Daria Morgendorffer = Moaning Myrtle.
Like, c’mon, right?!
Just visualize for a minute:
You’re a Ravenclaw and you’re skipping class (because you obvs can trannysfigure your pin cushion into a mouse faster than all the other first years, duh!) and you go to smoke a fag in the girl’s lavatory on the second floor with Millicent Bullstrode. Don’t worry – ALL Ravenclaws hang out with Slytherins privately – Fashionasty Headquarters does not judge you and TOTALLY gets it: Tom Felton is a babe, like “Alohamora!” You hear a noise – boots shuffling – from the fourth stall to the right. Millicent – being the mighty brute that she is – dares you to check who it is. Fearful that it might be Peeves – you make your way over – wand at the ready – and swing the stall door open.
Meet Daria Morgendorffer (Moaning Myrtle).
She – translucent – (the show died in 2001 – R.I.P.) looks up from reading the Daily Prophet, “Sick Sad World.”
“Hey,” you say.
La la la la la,…
Look right through me
Say I’m gloomy
Yea, so sue me
I’ve got to be direct (la, la, la)
It’s like a Hogwart’s train wreck (la, la, la)
You’re standing on my (nearly headless) neck (la, la, la)
The Chamber of Secret(ion)s
Meet Moaning Myrtle/Daria Morgendorffer’s family:
QUINN MORGENDORFFER/GINNY WEASLEY
Both are the younger sisters in their families.
Both are gingers.
Both have had their fair share of mixing Boy’s potions in their cauldron cups.
In Book 6, Ginny was making out with the Maurader’s Map! From Dean Thomas to Seamus Finnegan – I wouldn’t put it past her that before she starting snogging with the Boy Who Lived, she was probably smitten with Neville Longbottom. In Season 1 Episode 10, Quinn says besides shopping, “Boys” are her favorite subject. To paraphrase Jay Z AKA Beyonce’s baby daddy, “These two are Forever Young.”
HELEN MORGENDORFFER/AUNT PETUNIA
Both are moms.
Both had way more fun in college than they do now.
Both have one child they adore (Dudley/Quinn),
and one child they loathe (Harry/Daria).
These mothers give pearl necklace a whole new meaning.
JAKE MORGENDORFFER/NEARLY HEADLESS NICK
Both are dads. (Actually, I’m not certain N.H.N. had children).
Both are hanging by a thread (literally!)
In Season 1 Episode 12, when Jake Morgendorffer gets stressed from work, his eye pops out, much like Nearly Headless Nick’s head. Both often fell invisible to the students at Hogwarts and to Daria and Quinn.
Hopefully they don’t do karaoke to Sting’s “I’ll Be Watching You.” Can anybody say, “Freudian Slip!”
DARIA MORGENDORFFER/MOANING MYRTLE’S FRIENDS
JANE LANE/LUNA LOVEGOOD
Both see dead people.
Suffice to popular belief, I think that Luna was deep goth and didn’t tell anybody. Harry was the only one lucky enough to see her don Hot Topic under her school robes. Besides, Jane totally was a Ravenclaw. Yeah, she was weird. Yeah, she was eccentric. But Jane was smarter than all the haters. Just like Luna.
TRENT LANE/WEIRD SISTERS AKA JARVIS COCKER
Both rock, that is all.
TOM SLOANE / HARRY POTTER
The patronus parallel between Daria’s Gryffindor boyfriend Tom Sloane and Harry Potter is uncanny. They even look (s)exxxactly the same.
KEVIN & BRITTANY / CEDRIC DIGGORY & CHO CHANG
I know what someone of you are thinking: Tiffany = Cho. Wrong. DAS RACIST. It’s unfortunate that the one AZN at Hogwarts had to be a total cheerleader (a la Brittany). Don’t think twice that Cho didn’t have Ravenclaw pom-poms on the Quidditch field every time Cedric zoomed by on his Firebolt. In a modern twist of fate, Cedric = Edward Cullen, so that would make Brittany = Bella Swan. Ut-oh…this is becoming a different sort of fanfi(x)ction, entirely…
JODIE & MACK / BILL & FLEUR
Both couples are underrated, beautiful, talented, flawless individuals. That is all.
SANDI, STACEY, & TIFFANY / DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE
Mean takes human form in trio Sandi, Stacey, and Tiffany. Much like Heathers, Jawbreaker, & Mean Girls, there’s always a trifecta of evil stirring the cauldron. Just like beloved (and misunderst00d) Draco, Crabbe, & Goyle.
CHARLES “UPCHUCK” RUTHEIMER, III / PERCY WEASLEY
Both are so annoying beyond belief. I can’t.
MS. LI / DOLORES UMBRIDGE
They MUST have order.
TIMOTHY O’NEILL / PROFESSOR FLITWICK
These two will come out of the closet before that stain (from Spaghettio’s) on your t-shirt.
MR. DeMARTINO / MAD-EYE MOODY
And what Daria list would be complete without the pair that made it all possible:
Beavis & Butthead?!
***Daria first debutted on MTV in 1995 as a recurring character on B&B before headlining her own show FYI…***
BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD / FRED & GEORGE WEASLEY
They solemnly swear that they are up to no good.
Hope you enjoyed, fashionasties! Now grab your golden egg and meet me in the boy’s lavatory on the fourth floor for (s)extra curricular activity!
© JAKE THOMPSON