Sweater Sychology: Get Ur Fall Knit Fixxx Fed & Ur Sweater Palms (Sp)read

Are you in one big room full of bad stitches, fashionasties?!?!

[“Sweaturdz Screengrabz,” Original (F)art by Jake Thompson]

It’s OK lil nasties (I think that’s fashionasty’s “lil monsters” btw), put down the cable knitt and pull up the cat nip. Pass the peace pipe and leaf your fears at the door bc Fashionasty Headquarters has your (bare)back – just like Michelle Bachmann’s beard:

[“Bareback Bachmann,” Original (F)art by Jake Thompson]

***There is not enough Old Spice in the world to keep this bitch in the closet – he probably has a baggie full of answered M4M craigslist addies.
JUST SAYIN’.***

Haute Topic of dickcussion:

SWEATURDZ.
Those delightful snuggle lumps that we mix with our winter pumps.

It’s a rare prime rib to see me breaking a new dawn in a cable knit. The (Doug) funnie juxxxtaposition finds that I infact have well over thirty-five fashionasty sweaters currently piled high in my closet (***Don’t hang your knits – they’ll sag like XXXtina Aguilera’s pre-tween preenup***.) yet, I medium rarely put them on the grill for my fashionasty runway for everyday strutting. I don’t know if it’s the poly-blend combo or the hefty bulkiness, or maybe it’s just because they’re hard to pair with my signature every-d(g)ay knee highs and a blazer look without totally jocking Courtney Love’s steez:


“So you can go shave your back now, bye Taylor Momsen.”


Butt never fear, lil nasties. Fashionasty Headquarters has all the vers sub dom top btm sweaturdz lookz so you can switch it up, swish(er) blunt it down, steez-it-all-around, and fully confront Fall in the face ‘n stuff.

***I will drive thru the sweaturdz I’m looking forward to ordering off the $dollar$ menu this season & then I’ll read ur sweater palms: what ur sweater says about U.***

Fashionasty presents:
Sweater Sychology: Get Ur Fall Knit Fixxx Fed & Ur Sweater Palms (Sp)read 

1) CROPSHOP:
Leave nothing to the i(lluminati)magination…


It’s no birthday suit surprise that I like crop tops more than ensalada caprese (tossed, of course). Yes, I’d cash in my fresh mozarella balls for a Cher Horowitz-sized closet of crop tops.

WHAT THIS LOOK SAYS ABOUT YOU:
Y(SL) does cotton always get to have more fun?
Naught(y) anymore, fashionasties. This look suggest ur an opportunist. With a crop sweater we can self-deny cold weather ahead and continue our indian summer (***Native American hipster fashion is so Single White Female I really can’t. It’s not a costume. It’s not a fashion statement. See you in hell.) with a little midriff and a lot of malbec. This look proclaims that the dream of the 90’s is alive in ur lil stomach. U probably like to buy records or u like to listen to records on rollerblades.
It’s easy, breezy, maybe-she’s-born-this-w(g)ay-maybe-it’s-crop-season.

COREY MASON


Fashionasty Headquarters LOVES a tight squeeze so if you’re worried whether or naught(y) you can pull this look off – just look to the lord of the crops: Afghan Arwen AKA Corey Mason. If you can’t find a tiny 90s crop knit @ ur local thrift store, just put one of your tasteless Aeropostale sweaters in the wash on high420high and ride the crimson wave. Think two sizes too small and you’ll be walking down the Fashionasty hall of fame.

KELLY BUNDY



Life and marriage (to your crop knit) is better than a baby in a carriage. Kelly was known for a her confident cornucopia of bondage and discipline looks. From leather to gag, ball, and chain, this bundy bitch confronted her crop knit closet full on. Think Skipper -Barbie’s lil sister – but on speed.

2) MY (TURTLE)NECK, MY BACK

WHAT THIS LOOK SAYS ABOUT YOU:
What’s the binary reciprocal of a crop knit? Y(SL), turtle necks of course!
This look suggests ur a lady in the street, but a nypho in the bed.
Murder she wrote (across her clavicles!)…because you’ll be killin’ it when you add a little mystery to your fashionasty genre for living lyfe in the fast food lane.

***BE WARNED***: With (s)exxxpection to Diane Keaton, everyone else on this list happens to be the black card amongst the deck (i.e. Justin slams Britney, Misha Barton…well, she’s just bad news bares, Nicole Julian, Wilhelmina Slater, etc.) This is definitely something to think about: Y(SL) do villians always sport turtlenecks?! Is it because “they’re heads are full of secret(ions),” that they’re brains are too heavy aka bobbleheads and need the (s)extra support (bras). OR maybe, they wear turtlenecks to COVER up their schemes!

ANNIE MACDUGGEN


Put the Diane in ur Keaton and be the first of ur wives 2 sport some mystique.
This look proudly stands and says, “I am.”

TIMBERNECK


Say “bye, bye, bye” to ur GF, and say hello to a turtleneck.
You’ll be *N Sync with ur *Neck.

MARISSA COOPER


Coop, there it is! OK, so ur probably going, is this like an infomercial for a snuggie ad? I know, I know, at first glance I did too. But, comme de coupe, it’s just Marissa Cooper in the chckn coup. Pair this look with tube socks and you can be as O.C.C. as Misha Barton about getting ur 15 sexxxonds of fame.

NICOLE JULIAN


***For those of U who may naught(y) know:***

Nicole Julian was from the show that-should’ve-been aka “Popular.” I loved it more than Dawson’s Creek and that’s saying a lot! Too bad “shows” like Glee will 4ever take the name in vain from the real bitches of cable TV:
Nicole Julian & Mary Cherry.


Nicole – who gives multiple credits to Gwenyth Paltrow for her signature style – wore turtlenecks around the highschool clock. To the halls, to the cheerleading stands, Nicole made turtlenecks a crime of passion!

COURTNEY


More over jaw, more like Heartbreaker!
This look says “I killed the original teen dream, so Y(SL) naught(y) cover it up!

HEATHER (DUKE)


U killed ur friend AND ur Shannon Dougherty. Isn’t that like a double oxymoron?!

WILHELMINA SLATER


AKA “Saved The Best 4 Last.”
Well, at least in my opinion. Having “Hell” in your name helps too, butt in Betty’s pilot episode Wilhelmina sports a white turtleneck and without words can enter a room and declare war.

Also (what?!):

[FashionastybabyJake and Vanessa, Ugly Betty, 2008]

3) CARDI-CAN-CAN-CANS
AKA “Do I look like a double entendre?!”
WHAT THIS LOOK SAYS ABOUT YOU:
1) You’re either a geek (they’re really cool according to Fashionasty Headquarters, btw!) 2) Or a freak (they’re really cool according to Fashionasty Headquarters, btw!)

AKA the protagonist or antagonist. Neither of these sides are bad, btw. Fashionasty Headquarters is a non-judging community. I suppose this make u bi-curious (George Weasley). U’ll have to decide which team ur on.

THE GEEKS:

BILL HAVERCHUCK


One of the orig H.G.I.C. (Head. Geeks. In. Charge.) Bill’s cardigans said, “I’m not a turd.”

 TAI


R u in dire need of an herbal refreshment? Or maybe ur a virgin who can’t drive. Ouch, way harsh Tai. Either w(g)ay this look says “Rollin’ with the lint.”

GRETCHEN WEINERS 


Just b/c ur dad invented Toaster Strudel doesn’t mean ur really a mean grrl. I included Gretchen under “Geeks” bc she was mean bi-curious association. PLUS – she was the only mean grrl reppin’ Israel with her “exxxxpensive white gold hoops” and anyone who’s known me since grade school knows that I’ve been a Jewannabe my whole lyfe.
Hey, Rob Schinder is Filipino AND Jewish, it can happen!

THE FREAKS

COURTNEY


Making the list twice – Courtney was the original Regina George. The reason she gets the double feature is bc she only needed the cardigan – nothing else (and, it’s Rose McGowan – queen of the 90’s, duh!) In the wurdz of Marilyn Manson, “the beautiful people.”

NANCY DOWNS & BONNIE


Scratch ur eyes out – I meant FAIRUZA BALK, QUEEN OF THE 90’S. Oops. With Halloween just around the fashionasty bend, something wicked this w(g)ay cums. ***Also:*** “The Craft” is on netflixxx instanasty, fyi.

MRS. DOUBTFIRE

***DISCLA(I)M(M)ER: When I use “freak” it’s out of respect obvs. Fashionasty Headquarters encourages you to raise your freak flag on the double (double-animal-style) every d(g)ay. In fact, I’ll be the first to call myself a freak of nature and I’m damn proud of it. So I mean no disrespect to cross-dressing – hello, I’m one of three in the infamous trifecta – the purrformance (f)artists formally known as the RealHauswives of Hennepin County.


There’s no doubt that Mrs. Doubtfire is my favorite fashionasty freak. This has nothing to do with gender or sex politixxx, and has everything to do without how much I loathe Robin Williams. Except, it would be kind of lamayzing if he was my papa from “The Birdcage.”

4) LFO SUMMER TIME GRRLS
Maybe ur looking to get (bare)back 2 basixxx?!
WHAT THIS LOOK SAYS ABOUT YOU:
U like grrls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch AND Chinese food makes you sick.
This look also suggests: FUCK AMERICA. FUCK LIFE.
All ur old preppy (crappy) brand names have found a new place in ur adult fashionasty lyfe…

ANGELA CHASE & KURT COBAIN:
SMELLS LIKE T(W)EEN SPIRIT (STICK)

[“Smells Like Teen Spirit (Stick),” Original (F)art by Jake Thompson]

Go to ur local CVS, snatch the reddest dye you can try, some jnco jeans, and a grunge garb. Welcome to the 90’s!

JOEY POTTER


This look says I can have Dawson, Pacey, AND Jack. I remember when Season 1 came out of the 90’s closet and Katie Holmes was on TRL. She was (s)explaining about being a virgin, butt more importantly, she discussed how she wears sweaters long enough so that only her nail beds would show. For the rest of 1997, I’d sneak into my sister’s room, grabbed her oversized J Crews and I’d twirl around listening to Paula Cole. Wait, was that ’97, or yesterday?!

KIM KELLY


Kim Kelly was like the real life Doug Funnie. Naught(y) because she had a dog named Prokchop or that she had an alter ego, Quailman. It was simply because she only had one outfit. Besides her signature powder blue jacket, she’d rock the above pictured basic sweater. This look says “I’m dysfunctional, but I’m pretty.”

LEO DI-ROMEO


In the wurdz of Amy Grant, “It takes a little time sometimes, to turn the Titanic around.” And with this look, it will take a lot of time.

5) HANGING WITH MR. COOPER SWEATERS
Are you loud and proud?!
WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT YOU:
I’m a citizen of the glitter globe. I’m owning myself, and I’m owning you.
This look also suggests:
FUCK YOU. I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY REPUTATION.

DROP IT LIKE IT’S HAUTE


To paraphrase Charro, “Coogi, Coogi.” If you want to be in living color, go to ur local thrift store and snag an original Coogi. U’ll be sippin’ on sweaters and juice.

TINY SWEATER (DANCER)


To paraphrase Tina Turner, “I’ll be ur Tony Danza.” The Liberace of the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and tod(g)ay, Elton John looks fashionasty foxy in this look.

Speaking of Tony Danza:


Oh wait, what? (Oops!):

[FashionastybabyJake and Judith Light, Ugly Betty 2008]

OPRAH


This look says “I can start my OWN network and bookclub.”

FRANNY FINE


This look says, “I’m better than you. Deal with it.”

That being said, no matter crop knit, turtleneck, cardigan, Dawson Leery sweater OR Franny Fine sweater u find urself pulling from ur fashionasty closet, there are plenty of fall knits to get ur fashionasty fixxx on! It’ll say a lot about you, but more importantly, it will say a lot about me. Do you know what I’m saying?!?! Nope? Me either!

XOXO,

© JAKE THOMPSON

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About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
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One Response to Sweater Sychology: Get Ur Fall Knit Fixxx Fed & Ur Sweater Palms (Sp)read

  1. Pingback: ғaѕнιonaѕтy dιgeѕт: weeĸly wrιтιngѕ on тнe wall #2 | fashionasty

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