Are you in one big room full of bad stitches, fashionasties?!?!
It’s OK lil nasties (I think that’s fashionasty’s “lil monsters” btw), put down the cable knitt and pull up the cat nip. Pass the peace pipe and leaf your fears at the door bc Fashionasty Headquarters has your (bare)back – just like Michelle Bachmann’s beard:
***There is not enough Old Spice in the world to keep this bitch in the closet – he probably has a baggie full of answered M4M craigslist addies.
Haute Topic of dickcussion:
Those delightful snuggle lumps that we mix with our winter pumps.
It’s a rare prime rib to see me breaking a new dawn in a cable knit. The (Doug) funnie juxxxtaposition finds that I infact have well over thirty-five fashionasty sweaters currently piled high in my closet (***Don’t hang your knits – they’ll sag like XXXtina Aguilera’s pre-tween preenup***.) yet, I medium rarely put them on the grill for my fashionasty runway for everyday strutting. I don’t know if it’s the poly-blend combo or the hefty bulkiness, or maybe it’s just because they’re hard to pair with my signature every-d(g)ay knee highs and a blazer look without totally jocking Courtney Love’s steez:
Butt never fear, lil nasties. Fashionasty Headquarters has all the vers sub dom top btm sweaturdz lookz so you can switch it up, swish(er) blunt it down, steez-it-all-around, and fully confront Fall in the face ‘n stuff.
***I will drive thru the sweaturdz I’m looking forward to ordering off the $dollar$ menu this season & then I’ll read ur sweater palms: what ur sweater says about U.***
Sweater Sychology: Get Ur Fall Knit Fixxx Fed & Ur Sweater Palms (Sp)read
Leave nothing to the i(lluminati)magination…
WHAT THIS LOOK SAYS ABOUT YOU:
Y(SL) does cotton always get to have more fun?
Naught(y) anymore, fashionasties. This look suggest ur an opportunist. With a crop sweater we can self-deny cold weather ahead and continue our indian summer (***Native American hipster fashion is so Single White Female I really can’t. It’s not a costume. It’s not a fashion statement. See you in hell.) with a little midriff and a lot of malbec. This look proclaims that the dream of the 90’s is alive in ur lil stomach. U probably like to buy records or u like to listen to records on rollerblades.
It’s easy, breezy, maybe-she’s-born-this-w(g)ay-maybe-it’s-crop-season.
Fashionasty Headquarters LOVES a tight squeeze so if you’re worried whether or naught(y) you can pull this look off – just look to the lord of the crops: Afghan Arwen AKA Corey Mason. If you can’t find a tiny 90s crop knit @ ur local thrift store, just put one of your tasteless Aeropostale sweaters in the wash on high420high and ride the crimson wave. Think two sizes too small and you’ll be walking down the Fashionasty hall of fame.
Life and marriage (to your crop knit) is better than a baby in a carriage. Kelly was known for a her confident cornucopia of bondage and discipline looks. From leather to gag, ball, and chain, this bundy bitch confronted her crop knit closet full on. Think Skipper -Barbie’s lil sister – but on speed.
2) MY (TURTLE)NECK, MY BACK
WHAT THIS LOOK SAYS ABOUT YOU:
What’s the binary reciprocal of a crop knit? Y(SL), turtle necks of course!
This look suggests ur a lady in the street, but a nypho in the bed.
Murder she wrote (across her clavicles!)…because you’ll be killin’ it when you add a little mystery to your fashionasty genre for living lyfe in the fast food lane.
***BE WARNED***: With (s)exxxpection to Diane Keaton, everyone else on this list happens to be the black card amongst the deck (i.e. Justin slams Britney, Misha Barton…well, she’s just bad news bares, Nicole Julian, Wilhelmina Slater, etc.) This is definitely something to think about: Y(SL) do villians always sport turtlenecks?! Is it because “they’re heads are full of secret(ions),” that they’re brains are too heavy aka bobbleheads and need the (s)extra support (bras). OR maybe, they wear turtlenecks to COVER up their schemes!
Coop, there it is! OK, so ur probably going, is this like an infomercial for a snuggie ad? I know, I know, at first glance I did too. But, comme de coupe, it’s just Marissa Cooper in the chckn coup. Pair this look with tube socks and you can be as O.C.C. as Misha Barton about getting ur 15 sexxxonds of fame.
Nicole Julian was from the show that-should’ve-been aka “Popular.” I loved it more than Dawson’s Creek and that’s saying a lot! Too bad “shows” like Glee will 4ever take the name in vain from the real bitches of cable TV:
Nicole Julian & Mary Cherry.
Nicole – who gives multiple credits to Gwenyth Paltrow for her signature style – wore turtlenecks around the highschool clock. To the halls, to the cheerleading stands, Nicole made turtlenecks a crime of passion!
AKA “Saved The Best 4 Last.”
Well, at least in my opinion. Having “Hell” in your name helps too, butt in Betty’s pilot episode Wilhelmina sports a white turtleneck and without words can enter a room and declare war.
AKA “Do I look like a double entendre?!”
WHAT THIS LOOK SAYS ABOUT YOU:
1) You’re either a geek (they’re really cool according to Fashionasty Headquarters, btw!) 2) Or a freak (they’re really cool according to Fashionasty Headquarters, btw!)
AKA the protagonist or antagonist. Neither of these sides are bad, btw. Fashionasty Headquarters is a non-judging community. I suppose this make u bi-curious (George Weasley). U’ll have to decide which team ur on.
Just b/c ur dad invented Toaster Strudel doesn’t mean ur really a mean grrl. I included Gretchen under “Geeks” bc she was mean bi-curious association. PLUS – she was the only mean grrl reppin’ Israel with her “exxxxpensive white gold hoops” and anyone who’s known me since grade school knows that I’ve been a Jewannabe my whole lyfe.
Hey, Rob Schinder is Filipino AND Jewish, it can happen!
Making the list twice – Courtney was the original Regina George. The reason she gets the double feature is bc she only needed the cardigan – nothing else (and, it’s Rose McGowan – queen of the 90’s, duh!) In the wurdz of Marilyn Manson, “the beautiful people.”
NANCY DOWNS & BONNIE
Scratch ur eyes out – I meant FAIRUZA BALK, QUEEN OF THE 90’S. Oops. With Halloween just around the fashionasty bend, something wicked this w(g)ay cums. ***Also:*** “The Craft” is on netflixxx instanasty, fyi.
***DISCLA(I)M(M)ER: When I use “freak” it’s out of respect obvs. Fashionasty Headquarters encourages you to raise your freak flag on the double (double-animal-style) every d(g)ay. In fact, I’ll be the first to call myself a freak of nature and I’m damn proud of it. So I mean no disrespect to cross-dressing – hello, I’m one of three in the infamous trifecta – the purrformance (f)artists formally known as the RealHauswives of Hennepin County.
There’s no doubt that Mrs. Doubtfire is my favorite fashionasty freak. This has nothing to do with gender or sex politixxx, and has everything to do without how much I loathe Robin Williams. Except, it would be kind of lamayzing if he was my papa from “The Birdcage.”
4) LFO SUMMER TIME GRRLS
Maybe ur looking to get (bare)back 2 basixxx?!
WHAT THIS LOOK SAYS ABOUT YOU:
U like grrls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch AND Chinese food makes you sick.
This look also suggests: FUCK AMERICA. FUCK LIFE.
All ur old preppy (crappy) brand names have found a new place in ur adult fashionasty lyfe…
ANGELA CHASE & KURT COBAIN:
SMELLS LIKE T(W)EEN SPIRIT (STICK)
Go to ur local CVS, snatch the reddest dye you can try, some jnco jeans, and a grunge garb. Welcome to the 90’s!
This look says I can have Dawson, Pacey, AND Jack. I remember when Season 1 came out of the 90’s closet and Katie Holmes was on TRL. She was (s)explaining about being a virgin, butt more importantly, she discussed how she wears sweaters long enough so that only her nail beds would show. For the rest of 1997, I’d sneak into my sister’s room, grabbed her oversized J Crews and I’d twirl around listening to Paula Cole. Wait, was that ’97, or yesterday?!
Kim Kelly was like the real life Doug Funnie. Naught(y) because she had a dog named Prokchop or that she had an alter ego, Quailman. It was simply because she only had one outfit. Besides her signature powder blue jacket, she’d rock the above pictured basic sweater. This look says “I’m dysfunctional, but I’m pretty.”
5) HANGING WITH MR. COOPER SWEATERS
Are you loud and proud?!
WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT YOU:
I’m a citizen of the glitter globe. I’m owning myself, and I’m owning you.
This look also suggests:
FUCK YOU. I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY REPUTATION.
DROP IT LIKE IT’S HAUTE
TINY SWEATER (DANCER)
To paraphrase Tina Turner, “I’ll be ur Tony Danza.” The Liberace of the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and tod(g)ay, Elton John looks fashionasty foxy in this look.
Speaking of Tony Danza:
That being said, no matter crop knit, turtleneck, cardigan, Dawson Leery sweater OR Franny Fine sweater u find urself pulling from ur fashionasty closet, there are plenty of fall knits to get ur fashionasty fixxx on! It’ll say a lot about you, but more importantly, it will say a lot about me. Do you know what I’m saying?!?! Nope? Me either!
© JAKE THOMPSON