The Boi Who Jizzed: Fashionasty & The Se7ven Deadly (White) Zins / Deathly (W)horecruxxxes
Y’know what? I love Harry Potter. I also love white zin. So Y(SL) naught(y) combine the two?! I FINALLY sat down with Rita Skeeter (to the window…to the Great hall…Ow Rita Skeet-skeet-skeet- er mutha*uckas), her enchanted quill, and a bottle of white zin (Yes, this post may or may naught(y) be the result of a drunker Howler butt rest assured it will be so sweet you’ll get a chocolate frog cavity!
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Fashionasty Headquarters – Burger Institute – Hamburg, Germany. This post’s goal is to (drunk-emotionally) recap, regale, and ***try*** and remember when I saw this in København (Copenhagen) back in July. What better w(g)ay to Remembrall than with some Real Hauswive’s H2O AKA White Zin. I will attempt to choose the Se7ven Deadly (White) Zins / Deathly (W)horcruxxxes that I would’ve liked to see cum out of Harry’s wand in the final (bathroom) installment. (S)expecto Patronum! Could be Slash Fanfixxxtion, could be larping, could be anything (sidenote – something wicked this w(g)ay cums: a full fashionasty post on larping/slash/fanfixxxtion is already in the fireworks and bubbling to a cauldron near you soon)…so spellbind your dad’s Ford Anglia and in the words of Lenny Kravitz, “Let’s fly like a thestral.”
We solemnly swear that we’re/queer up to no good.
Mathilda Hopkins (Jake Thompson)
When I refer to the boi who jizzed, I’m obviously talking about myself. . . Before the muggle masses jumped on the Hogwarts (S)express, I picked up the first book when I was eleven (sixth grade), that’s right seventh graders, while you were getting your brace bands changed from Halloween colors to Thanksgiving colors, I was humping a hippogriff well before Scholastic blew Ollivander’s wands’ wad. Even in my high420highschool yearbook, I wrote that I would be attending the magical university for college. I think at the time some Mustangs (Muggles) thought I’d gone mental. But y’know what – I’ve mastered Occlumency, so who’s mind melding who, fashionasties?!?!
Naturally, you could see why my polyjuice potion was glibbity gloppity glum about seeing the last movie. Thirteen years of my fashionasty lyfe belonged to the boy under the stairs. The only other person that truly, madly, deeply understands what 13 years means would be Prefect Hufflepuff Taylor Swift.
To paraphrase her, “I’m in the Gryffindor common room, it’s a typical Hogwarts night, I’m listening to The Weird Sisters that she doesn’t like, she’ll never expecto your patronum like I do.”
With much ado about every flavored beans, I see no reason to keep the fashionasties behind Sirius Black’s veil any longer. . .
Here/Queer Lies Bequeeth (with thestral wings) the Se7ven Deadly (White) Zins / Deathly (W)horcruxxxes presented by Fashionasty Headquarters:
1) “LIKE IT’S QUIDDITCH” VS “BADDEST WITCH”
Rather than a duel in the Great Hall, Y(SL) naught(y) a Whiz rap-off?! How great a hippogriff would that be?! These M.C.’s are the nerd to my nasty ipad.
Obviously, MC Glammer and the Jamburglar AKA Whore Couture would win the bi-wizard cup tournament – blue flames and all.
2) RON & DRACO KISSING VS RON & HERMIONE KISSING
According to Gawker, Emma & Rupert’s kiss was awkward on set. Two reasons: 1) They should’ve filled their empty butterbeer mugs with some white zin, that ALWAYS loosens the lips, duh. And 2) It wasn’t Tom Felton that Rupert was pecking, so he had to pull a Scabbers and Weasley his w(g)ay around Hermione’s Crookshanks. I think Michelle Bachmann’s beard can sympathize. Clearly, Ron wants to open Draco’s ceremony and rise his planets from his ape (if you catch my golden snitch!)
3) SLASH FANGRRLFIXXXTION
How much do you wish in the mirror of Erised that THIS fangrrl should’ve made a cameo after Harry dies and/or played Moaning Myrtle?!?! A whole quidditch field much, if you ask me! If this doesn’t put the paranormal in your activia challenge, than at least the german shepard will:
4) SNAPE PENCE NONE THE RICHER
If every 90’s movie got to have it, in the wurdz of Dolores Umbridge AKA the original Jerri Blank (she’ll put the pinky in your stinky), “I must not tell lies” that this would’ve been a magical edition to the soundtrack featuring Nick Cave and that one composer from the Home Alone franchise.
And, let’s naught(y) 4get that all of THESE songs should’ve appeared in the series finale. They are from my Harry Potter Mixxxtape Vol 1:
5) LINDSAY LOHAN’S CUMBACK???
Yeah – Emma Watson went to Brown, is flawless, better than the others, h8ers to the left, blahblahblah, butt you can’t deny there’s just something about Lindsay:
Could you imagine! She’d be splashed across page 6(9) of the Daily Prophet DAILY on the double (double – animal style). PLUS – in this scenario – Hermione would’ve probably wound up with (or gotten a restraining order, rather) from one of the Patil twins and/or Cho Chang. She’d put the crook back in Crookshawks. Meow!
Also, can we just:
[FashionastybabyJake& Lilo – Ugly Betty set, 2008]
Oh, almost forgot:
In honor of Zinefest – go here/queer! to pick up a copy of ‘Lindzine’. Trust me, I bought two. It’ll definitely wingardium your leviosa or petrificus your totalus (if you catch my golden snitch!)
6) BACK 2 BLACK (MALFOY MANOR)
Doesn’t it just Crouch your Barty how oddly suspicious it was that the late-great Amy Haus de Vino’s avada gets kedavra-ed circa Bellatrix Le Strange explodes into a million green pieces on the megaplex screen?!?!?! Prophecy??? I think so. . .Professor Trelawny really had her head in the crystal balls on that one.
Wait – MIND MELD: If Amy = Bellatrix, THEN Molly Weasley = cocaine/alcohol withdrawl. In the wurdz of Canadians next top afghan hound dog breed Celine Dion, “It’s all cumming back to me now.”
7) VOLDEMORT & DRACO HUGGIES B4 DARK MARK DRUGGIES
You can’t honestly know me and naught(y) think that in your first year History of Magic textbook aka the Fashionasty Hand(job)book for Living Lyfe In The Fast Food Lane, that I wouldn’t include what I would’ve LOVED to have been the ending of the movie, the brand, the lifestyle of Harry Potheads around the glitter globe:
~*~*~*I am so drunk now and it is 2sad4me to talk about Harry Potter ending and/or concluding my se7en Deadly (White) Zins / Deathly (W)horcruxxxes. But then again – there’s always Pottermore! *~*~*~
That being said, grab your invisibility cloak and take Fashionasty under the sheets and re-read this a few times. My wand with string of unicorn and phoenix feather broke so I didn’t get a chance to spellcheck. Enjoy!
© JAKE THOMPSON