The Lady Is A Vamp: Bella Swan’s Unplanned Parenthood & The Color Fuschia

Fashionasty Headquarters Presents:
The Lady Is A Vamp:
Bella Swan’s Unplanned Parenthood & The Color Fuschia

To paraphrase Creedence Clearwater Revival,
“Don’t go (watch THI$ trailer on Gawker) home(o) tonight,
there’s a bad (new) moon on the rise.”

***And when I said don’t watch it,I meant you HAFTA in order for us
to ride the same fashionasty astral plane in this post.
So if you haven’t, do it, do it, and do it well.***


I see ur “They gonna screw” post Gawker, and I raise you a Code Fuschia. Y’know, the color you get when you mix your blue with ur purple puffs. The one crayola with the peach in the middle…

Harry Potter. Lady GaGa. Vampires. Teen Moms?

To paraphraze living legend and diva cup supreme: Mariah Carey, “[All of the above four] Have been either a press conference or a conversation.” No matter what w(g)ay you slice your key lime pie, there’s no denying that Teen Moms have become somewhat of a ###trend### in our fruit tart.

XXXhibit A:
U have ur annoying Level 5 Vegan Brooklyn hipster coffee shop Teen Mom
(aka the indie soundtrack to Jamie-Lynn Spears current [s]exxxistence):

XXXhibit B:
Ur 2 close 2 home Mom.

*DISCLA(I)M(M)ER: I only say this bc I’ve had my fair share of Popeye’s. U can’t spell freedom w/o getting fried, amirite??? Compliment ur bucket basket with “Nell” on Netflixxx instanasty. Ur stomach will feel like the way Jodie Foster sounds.

And lastly, XXXhibit 3:
U have ur favorite black swan, the incomparable born-again-this-w(g)ay Mor-mo(m)n:

[“Kristen Stewing,” Original (F)art by Jake Thompson]

There’s also this:

And we won’t (butt we will):

Who knew film and TV execs would commodify not 1, not 2, butt 3 trimesters off these Lisa Frank trapper keepers???


It’s no surprise that Fashionasty Headquarters has major beef with Twilight’s franchise jerky. Hello, kitty: It’s written by the Michelle Bachmann of the literary world, Stephenie Meyer.

We could write a grocery list of all the w(g)ays Fashionasty feels lost in a K-hole, trapped in R. Kelly’s closet, living in a 4-D world butt only seeing 2-D, etc.etc.etc. over the fact that this b(w)itch has enuff lettuce to support her Mormon fetish simply by court gesturing Bella Swan: The Queen of the Damned.

Within in a two and a half minute trailer (which you will never get back btw) – we are invited to embark on Bella Swan’s ###BREEDER### journey – which ultimately sounds like her last swan song, if you ask me…

When self-realization grows in the form of a “bun-in-the-oven” (I loathe that phrase, butt I use it hear to stake – no pun intended – my point), with vampire and werewolf paparazzo-ing her every move, she goes from being the Cullen’s pride, to the entire town of Fork’s prejudice. In the wurdz of the hammerhead shark that lived aka Taylor Lautner aka Team Jacob, “U [Bella] are now the enemy,” holds a double double animal style connotation- no bun intended. “Double” meaning Jacob finds Bella “enemy-of-the-stake” BC she’s a) the lady is a vamp butt more importantly, b) that she is a woman who bares child. Jacob’s serpent wins to Bella’s Eve, right???

We follow Bella – or rather, we follow Bella’s baby bump – bc the turning point of the trailer assumes that Bella is no longer with us. Simply, she is a carrier for something beyond her control now. BELLA “BREEDER of SATAN SPAWN” SWAN. It’s no longer an epic battle between different groups of folklore, it’s about Bella’s battle with a baby. HOW F***CKING DUMB. The only thing dumber is that I failed to mention that in the first thirty sexxxonds of the trailer, we are all cordially invited to see her and her sparkle horse wed, bed, and THEN now she’s eating for two after her “first time”??? SUXXX for her. Edward gets to live forever and all Bella got was this shitty pregnancy.

If you really wanna see something scary growing inside someone just watch “Rosemary’s Baby”, “The XXXorcist”, OR Kirstie Alley in “Look Who’s Talking Now.” Duh!

There could’ve been a private, just, morally conscious and feasible solution for Bella’s battle with her Buffy baby, and Bella’s battle alone…

Maybe if legislation didn’t cut the bu(tt)dgets ($363 million, mind you. That’s THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!) of Planned Parenthoods across the country, Bella could’ve had the initial right to choose what she wanted to do with the color fuschia. Rather than allowing the government aka vampires and werewolves to put their catholic guilt and politixxx all over her body ‘n stuff.

Republicans (which, riddle-me-this: are their any women in the Haus of G.O.P.) plan to suckceed in their efforts of cutting bu(tt)dgets up to $70 billion. Again, THAT’S SEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS, IS THIS REAL LIFE?!?! More like the Haus of G.O.D. if you ask me. Who’s playing who? Or rather, who’s playing God? Not Steven Spielberg anymore…and most certainly not the dinosaurs. Unless the Grand Old Party really does stand for OLD ideas. It’s Senator John Kyl’s belief that 90% of what PP does is give abortions. Highly inaccurate. Highly unintelligible. PP serves and provides over 3 million low-income woman with public health access, preventatives, and education. There 800 clinics across the nation implement community, wellness, and awareness.

If vampires were politicians (don’t you think twice about the fact that I will be doing an entire review on True Blood Season 4 – the last twenty minutes were so out-of-control! – cumming soon,) than maybe politixxx are dead. Or rather, being a human has died. We might as well live like vampires. Dead…

This post approved by T.M.I.C. (Teen. Mom. In. Charge.) Justin Beiber:




About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
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