Season Of †he Wi†ch: I’m Coven I†!

[Coven, July, 2k11]

DISCLA(I)M(M)ER:
Fashionasty Headquarters seeks no gender norms (Witch Vs. Warlock/Wizard), bc I have a no-tolerance-policy when UofMN Frat Bros ask “Can I dude be a witch?!” DUH! Muggles. . .

Have you ever trannysfigured an extendable ear charm whilst enjoying the melodic maladies of Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams (Get Into My Car),” but somehow performed a confundus charm on the original lyrics and found your fashionasty fanny singing “Get Out Of My Occlumency, And Onto My Nimbus 2000” instead?! Well, if you haven’t, you probably haven’t been invoking the spirit of your inner nerd nasty lately.

AND since I’ve personally been convoluted to watching a suspiciously unhealthy dosage of 3rd Rock From The Sun on netflixx insta-nasty…

…since rereading the entirty of the Harry Potter series – AKA The Bible as told by J.K. Rowling – in preparation for the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2 (btw, don’t you worry your warts fashionasties, get your wands at the ready bc a Harry Potter post will be barrelling down Platform 9 & 3/4 in the not-too-distant future as well!)

– since then, I haven’t found anything pop culturally popping my cherry this summer until True Blood’s Marnie. . .

I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve been this (s)expecto patronumed since Michelle Pfieffer in What Lies Beneath. Coincidentally, Fiona Shaw (who, that’s right, is Aunt Petunia in H.P.) may naught(y) have gotten an acceptance letter to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy, butt, she certainly is invoking the spirit playing the baddest witch on the block in Bon Temps, LA. Here’s/Queer’s a cauldron-worthy column in the Daily Prophet about Fiona Shaw & Covens.

“Can I be in a coven?!”
A question fashionasties are cumming out of the coffin about across the glitter globe. Firstly, YES. In my coven, our M.O. for the summer is “Why not?!” Butt, there are three magical spells to aid you in straddling your Firebolt & harnessing your Harry Potter.

1) I’M COVEN IT:
“I DRINK TO MY SISTERS & I TAKE IN ALL THE POWER OF MANON.”

Start a coven with your sisters…
It’s the best decision you will make all summer.
Witches B4 Bitches 4ever. . .

[Coven, BWW, August, 2k11]

2) “MATHILDA HOPKINS, IS THAT YOU? IT’S ME, MARGARET.”:
WITCHES GET SHIT DONE.

It’s naught(y) just about the crushed velvet or the green tights, fashionasties, Coven’s are witches that get shit done. So, make sure you have a plethora of slash fanfaction, temptation candles, and vino de sangre.


3) CHARMED COUTURE:
READY 2 SCARE WICKED WOVENS

From crushed velvet to sheer black realness, here’s/queer’s some of the fashionastiest witches to draw sinspiration from one cauldron to another:

HERMIONE GRANGER


To paraphrase Lil Kim’s ‘Big Momma Thang’ – “Don’t you like the way I roll, & play with my bushy, tell me what’s on your mind when your tongues in the (Crookshanks!)”

R u Exxxceeding (s)Exxxpectations in ur O.W.L.S. in the street, but you’ve gotta a Time-Turner in the bed?!?! Then you most certainly would be the purrfect Hermione. School uniforms can be cute (especially if they’re priVate – wink, wink!) butt only if you don’t go to that school. So be sure to sexecorize with a Durmstrang boi or Beauxbaton grrl to keep the sparks igniting from ur wand!

NANCY DOWNS


Evil takes human form in (Regina George)Nancy Downs. She has two Diadems of Ravenclaw (& a Silver Lexus!) If you’re gunna do the dark side, then u gotta get dark dark dark. Pilgrim collars…an unfathomable amount of silver rosaries…all black garbs around the hocus pocus clock. Hell, you might as well get an (invisibility) cloak!

SABRINA & SALEM


Imagine if 1999 Britney Spears & Blossom had a bastard child: Vwala! Sabrina the Teenage Witch would be their processed cheese between their wonder bread. How could you naught(y) include Clarissa in the fashionasty hall of fame. Plus – a talking cat – Salem, mind you, was a right bitch. I mean, c’mon, look how smug he is with that tiny clip on tie!

PRUE HALLIWELL


Prue wasn’t known inately for her fashionasty sense, butt it’s Shannen Doherty, and she’s a W(B)itch. . .

ALEXANDRA, JANE, SUKIE

They were my favorite trifecta on the pentagram of pals. Colorful, eclectic, and boldly daring in their fashionasty choices, the witches of Eastwick are the H.W.I.C. (Head Witches In Charge).

THE GRAND WIZARD AKA TIM CURRY


The ultimate fashionasty of them all: “The Worst Witch’s,” Tim Curry.

So grab ur broomstixxx & turn some trixxx into treatz in this season of the witch!

XOXO,

© JAKE THOMPSON

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About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
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3 Responses to Season Of †he Wi†ch: I’m Coven I†!

  1. That cat wearing a tie is blowing my mind right now.

  2. Maggles says:

    Has anyone seen my tambourine?!?!

  3. candy says:

    you make my heart sweat.

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