Get A Clue: $top, Crop, & Roll With The Hom(o)ies

Are capital Y – O – U always looking for your white collarless shirt from Fred Segal
in the morning, fashionasties?!

Fashionasty Presents:
Get A Clue: $top, Crop, & Roll with the Hom(o)ies

Verbatim a la Cher Horowitz: do you prefer to be a “fashion victim” or “ensembly challenged?” Well here/queer @ Fashionasty Headquarters, ‘victim’ and ‘challenged’ are nowhere to be found in the Fashionasty Hand(job) Book 4 Living Lyfe In The Fast (Food) Lane bc in the words of Jill Sobule, we’re gonna be supermodels! Butt, it goes w/o stating that fashionasties take THE CHALLENGE…


(For 3 easy payments of $0.99, u can take home(o) MK&Ash’s best DualStar made for TV movie…OR…just watch Parts 1 – 6 on Youtube.)

…every day when we confront our closets. And what’s more challenging than dressin’ ur tossed salad in over ninety-eight degrees (and rising!) weather?!?!


And then it hit me faster than Cher realized she was majorly butt-crazy in love with Josh…
a REVELATION if you will:


R u like Tai (R.I.P., srsly.) & in dire need of a fashionasty makeover?! Do you want to stick to a budget, while naught(y) letting the fabric of our fashionasty lives stick to YOU in this summer heatwave?! Then unplug ur closet matching software…


…and grab a pair of scissors, bc it’s time to
$top, Crop, & Roll With The Hom(o)ies…

I see it two w(g)ays, fashionasties: 1) U’ve either been listenin’ to Kelly Rowland’s “Motivation” and/or just glared at her fab abs on the cover of her new CD, which motivated u to step it up and six pack it on:

OR 2) U’ve been too busy making out with Minneapolis to becum a gym rat, and have found a happy medium in the demise of a Tall Boy a.k.a. Pabst Blue Ribbon, where the only six pack you’ve been stacking is when you swipe your plastic at Zipp’s for a PBR fixxx…

Either w(g)ay you slice ur pizza pie, you’ll be the cream of the crop when you $top, Crop, & Roll With The Hom(o)ies…it’s very simple: U gotta a top that’s a tight squeeze?! Cut it out and cut it off! Vwala! Now you can have a “snack with your girlfriends in Kuwait” when really you’re rocking your crop top at that fab party in the Valley…

BUTT – WHO TOPS THE CROP?!?!

1) DIONNE


Barbie takes human form in Cher’s bff . Wanna know a secret to still looking like you did in 1995? CROP UR TOP.

2) FRANNY FINE


In the words of F.F., “Clothes don’t just happen to fall on me everyday.” So there’s definitely no mistake when it cums to vetoing the scissors on your tops, and just Tai-ing them up…

Photo by Amalia Nicholson

Check out my two sisters in the coven, Sheila of CLAP & Amalia of Double Vision, tie til they die. WI†CH – after last Sund(g)ay’s True Blood episode – A.N. pointed out that “[witches] don’t die, they just inhabit other bodies sometimes.”

3) $IX


In the words of Joey: WHOA. Sometimes you nix the scissors and you wash ur tops on high until their barely (legal) there. Here/queer at Fashionasty Headquarters, we give Six two thumbs up.

3) TOPANGA


Who needs a boy, when crop meets world?! Besides, with hair like that, you don’t really need to wear anything…at all…

4) KAT $TRATFORD

Rather than hating 10 things, Y(SL) naught(y) love 10 things about crop tops.

5) CA$EY BECKER


U’ll cause a $CREAMing sinsation if you crop a sweater. It’s a killer w(g)ay to trannysition into Fall as well. Now all u need is a phone, a knife, and a stalker.

6) GWEN $TEFANI


Have u’ve been lost in the spiderwebs of ur closet?! Don’t speak & just crop steady like my (just a) girl. FYI: Sorry Gaga, butt we’re all just living in Gwen’s world. 


7) JANET JACK$ON


How else do you get CONTROL?! CROPTROL. In the words of Lil Kim, “Janet Jack-me!”

PS. If u’re lucky enuff to go see Mizz Nasty on August 19th, Y($L) rn’t u taking me?!?!

8) MARIAH CAREY


No crop top list would be complete w/o the croppiest of them all: Mariah Carey. Strap on ur rollerblades (and knee pads!) and u’ll be the ultimate fantasy!

Well there you have it, fashionasties! While we have summer on our side salads, dress it up with a CROP TOP.

This post is approved by all the fashionasties that Amy Heckerling made famous:


Signed, sealed, cropped,
I’m yours,


© JAKE THOMPSON

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About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
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