Do you like poorly died blonde ambition? To the point where you can no longer tell if a street pigeon pulled a lastnightsparty.com on your hairy nest & regurgitated sewer ratatouille between your cowlick and your sideburns?
Do you like your (fore)skin (dick) cheezy tangerine-y? Where you can redeem thigh sky miles for visiting Orange County simply by looking in the mirror?
Are you the lion that doesn’t sleep tonight?! Meaning, do you get the rumbles in ur jungle just by being the Bare McNasticies?!
If you like town hauses, lawn chairs, wine coolers, Virginia Slims, & tropical prints with toucans, then YOU, my fashionasty comrades, are ready to turn up the heat, cross the equator’s short-shorts, and cum out of your fashionasty closet in some…
Haute Mess T(r)opics of Capricorn: Boca Raton Ready-2-Scare!
DISCLA(I)M(M)ER: Just FYI – this post is in good veracuse vain(s) – these haute messes aspire, perspire, and ultimately trannyspire me here/queer at Fashionasty Headquarters. It’s naugh(y) meant to offend anyone simply becuz I’m paying a biggie phat hom(o)age to my favorite, staple go-to fashionasty look when I’m on the go-go.
1) “DON’T BE A DRAG, JUST BE A MESS.”
In order to fully graspy this raspy runway retail romp, u need to remind urself, that the tube-tops & tilta-a-whirls are only HALF the battle. In order to emBODY this haute-y, u have to be willing to accept that ur only as clean as ur laundry.
It’s OK that you like Bay Breezes & getting lost in the stains…I prefer franzia pouches, and do I feel judged? Hell no! Because, the only person that can look at me Illuminaughty-status with their one-little-sty-in-their-eye/thigh on judgement day is the Terminator.
*Once u’re willing to accept this notion into ur intoxy pandora’s boxxxy…we can start tawkin’ the walk walk fashionasty walkin’ and manure our w(g)ay to step-n-pump 2…
2) “I WOULD DYE 4 U!”
3) SMOKING HAUTE
Let’s phase it: U never have to be a smoker if ur always a quitter. BUTT, WAT’S BETTER THAN A FAG? Absolutely nothing!!! We’re addictive, we make things kooler, and u’ll make all ur fashionasty friendz on the patio at Bar 19, naught(y) in the Environmental Studies club (sandwich) at ur liberal arts private college. To paraphrase Ennis from BBM, “You can’t quit [us].”
If u’re a valet-parking-bottle-service kind of fashionasty, u can keep it super bougie with Spirits (light, of course), butt if ur more of a back-door-2-ur-video-store kind of fashionasty, Marlboro, Camel, anything really, will put the trick in this access(ex)ory’s sleeve. If looks could kill, than you’ll knock em dead in this smoking haute look.
4) BUTT-WISER BEER CAN COUTURE
5) LAWN CHAIR LYFE OF LUXXXURY
In order to support ur midriffs, crop tops, & halter (s)tops, ur gonna need something to support u! And what’s more fashionasty than a lawn chair. Now, you can live the lawn chair lyfe of luxxxury, by being the chaiser to ur own lounge.
Move over Fergie-Ferg! Who needs to lay on LV Luggage, when you can unfold ur lawn chair and bare it all!!! Summer is just around the river bend, and there are no rules, and no limitations to ur fun, fashionasties! So be the ultimate haute mess this wet haute american summer!
This post is dedicated to the incomparable Doreen Hoff – who told me I remind her of her mom’s retired friends in Boca Raton…thank you for helping me cum out of my haute mess closet! Ur my twisted sister 4 lyfe!
© JAKE THOMPSON