Spice Up Ur Life:
How Spice Grrls & DIThigh Or Die Pla†forms Will Get U Closer 2 G.O.D. (Getting On Dick).
Campy. Vampy. & Lady Trampy.
DISCLA(I)M(M)ER: Fashionasty is ALL inclusive, however, we make certain (s)exxxceptions. NO MISOGYNY SPICES ALOUD!!! This post isn’t meant to offend anyone, it’s just an inside joke with He, myself, and thighs….
For the wealth of my fashionasty life, nostalgia doesn’t meat my maker more in the medulla than the Spice Girls. Rewind to 1997, during the annual T.T.T.B. (Thompson Thanksgiving Turkey Bowl), my larger-than-life cousin failed to acknowledge our strict two-touch policy, and dove straight into full-con-tackle – resulting in my fourth grade old arm to be mummified in a neon green cast. For this taint in the family stain, my mom took me to Target Greatland (before Target disenfranchised the Midwestern demise & supported anti-gay marriage clauses) to get a pick-me-up gift.
Music hadn’t nearly magnified much significance in my life at the time, mainly because I was still in my nerd nasTY Beanie Babies phase. Ew. Don’t act like you didn’t either. I searched 4EVER for that goddamn “Magic” unicorn beanie. Needlesstos(g)ay you can find them at EVERY Unique Thrift Store nowad(g)ays. Another xxxample y(sl) following trends are never the key ingredient to unlocking your fashionasty chasity belt.
The story in (crystal) light – I purchased Spice Girls first album…along with The Lion King Soundtrack (because I couldn’t make up my mind). Access, fashionasties, access! A true fashionasty in the making.
From the moment I played “Wannabe,” my fashionasty life has never been the same.
Grrrl Power. Positivity. Generation NeXXXt.
U can learn EVERYTHING you need to know to suckceed in this fashionasty life from a Spice Girls song:
Friendship. Feminism. Individuality. Safe Sexxx. Loyalty. Zig-a-zig-ahh!
Spice Girls gave my sister, me, and our two childhood best friends the SALVA†ION we needed to be the confident burger goddesses we are today. At the age of nine, I did my first set of drag. I was always Scary Spice (of course) because there wasn’t an AZN member in the group (surprise, surprise!).
And since we were never an organized religious family growing up, I realize now that I’m older, that the Spice Girls Big Mac impact burger attacked my version of worship. Because much of the way someone kneels in the pew of their glory hole for God, Mana, Lady Gaga…I went to church every time I popped my Spice Girls poptart in my toaster oven.
And today, I’ve discovered that they were really raising me up, and bringing me closer to G.O.D.
Getting. On. Dick.
And with the help of 2 Things from the Spice Force Five, u’ll be able to make 2 becum 1 & call on G.O.D. whenever, wherever…
1) PLATFORMS SPICE
When G.O.D. says hump, how HIGH are you willing to jump Mary Magdelenes???
DIThigh OR Die!
Thighs the limit!
Obviously u have to be swiping ur ass with ur mA$$tercard if you want to get these pricy heights. But why not be a true Spice Grrl and DIThigh or Die ur platforms!
Duct Tape. Foam. Meat.
They’ll all do the trick to put your feet in some serious treats.
And you know what they say about Big Platforms…Big…
2) HAIR(Y) SPICE
Be the biggie in ur own texA$$. G.O.D. can feel your faithful follicles so much more, since ur always getting closer, and closer to Him!
And you can exorcise these wor(ship)kout wonders at
Peggy: Grrl Power this Saturday night!!! C U there!
© JAKE THOMPSON