Lore of the Unicorn: Haute & Horn(y) Porn


“The unicorn is the only fabulous beast that does not seem to have been conceived out of human fears. In even the earliest references he is fierce yet good, selfless yet solitary, but always mysteriously beautiful. He could be captured only by unfair means, and his single horn was said to neutralize poison.”

FA(ERIE)IR WARNING, MY FAIR(Y) FEATHERED FASHIONASTIES:

This post is attacking all club(s) (sandwiches). Symptoms have been said that there’s heavy poking cumming thru, on capital Y – O – U:

Ditch ur Viagra, becuz horny or naught(y), unicorns are mythological creatures described as having a long, straight horn extending from their foreheads…AKA…

So…if ur already taking a stroll down the meatpacking district, I think ur heatstacking biscuit’s about to (s)exponentially crouch rocket before, during, and/or after reading this!

Here/Queer at Fashionasty Headquarters, we love unicorns.


We also love horns. So I’m gonna show you how to keep ur faeries fab and ur unicorn erections’ glaad. To paraphrase Lisa Lisa & The Cult (Toe) Jam, we’re gonna go from “Head to Toe.”


1) HORNY HAIR

For most fashionasties, our unicorn horns can’t be seen by the masses. It’s okay, it’ll be our little secret(ion!) Those that don’t believe in themselves, and each other don’t deserve to see their/our horny couture. But just to keep them on their tipsy toes, when in (no) doubt, don’t speak. Just climb the hairy peak. Turn those winter-weathered follicles, into a faerie-featured fawnicle!


2) CONEY COUTURE
U scream, I scream, we all scream for cone dreams! If ur like Montel Williams, Britney Spears (circa 2006), or Sinead O’Connor, nothing compares to a shaved head. So you most likely can’t (hair)do Horny Hair. (Unless of course you wanna wig out!!!!)

In that case, check out Fashionasty’s haute friend Rugburns
aka The Notorious W.I.G. (Woman In Glamour) 
and what wig shops she recommends:


Rugburns Recommends!

Butt, if you happen to have no hair,
it doesn’t mean we here/queer at
Fashionasty Headquarters don’t care!

Don’t be a drag, just wear a cone!

These looks closely mimic hammerhead sharks & egg whites, if that’s the look you are trying to create, too!

3) BABYFACE
Fashionasties usually like things in their faces. Burgers. Balls. Falafel. So why not just be the baby, and hatch some horns of ur own!

4) UNITARDED
In the words of Kim Zolciak, “Don’t be unitardy for the party.” The only way fashionasties are going to wuther their own unicorn heights, is by running up those bills on lycra spandex onesies!


5) SILICON VALLEY
If you are like Shakira, and proud that your breasts are small & humble, you can always werq the perk by adding some cone ambition…


6) HOOVES GOT THE LOOK?

Unicorns wouldn’t dance without their prance. So make sure the carpets match the curtains (if you catch my drift!)

Now…when hater’s don’t believe in us,
all you have to do is hone ur horns,
and ur set for Fashionasty Unicorn Porn!


Ur magical, ur special, ur fashionasty.

I’ll always believe in YOU and ur horn(y) w(g)ays!

 

 X△X△,

© JAKE THOMPSON

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About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
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2 Responses to Lore of the Unicorn: Haute & Horn(y) Porn

  1. Rugburns says:

    Oooooo gurl thnx for the shout-out! That bump gets bigger whenever yr near!

  2. Pingback: ғaѕнιonaѕтy dιgeѕт: weeĸly wrιтιngѕ on тнe wall #3 | fashionasty

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