Towanda, Sissy, & I – being the Real Housewives of Hennepin County (ΔLPHΔ FΔGS) that we are – decided to dip our chips in a velveeta roadtrip to Madison, WI last night. (LAST NIGHT = JAN 18 – JUST GOT A HOLD OF PIXXX FROM SISSY! THANXXX SISTAH SISSY!) Naturally, you’d a$$ume we went to get messy at Tornado OR The Shamrock, butt assuming makes an ass out of U and me…so, truthfully, we went to welcome into OUR worlds, none other than the ever-fabulous and truly fashionasty…
Johnny, you should really cum to Minneapolis aka “the mini.” I mean, we are the GAYEST city…You would be the cherry to our sculpture garden spoon. We would eat you right up!
“Butt what does one wear to such an engagement?,” you find urself asking fashionasties…well, hello, it’s Johnny Weir. You drap urself in Chanel & fur, of course! And if you’re true blue fashionasty proof, you’ll even wear faux Coco – like I do everyday. Butt wait – was my featured bag in Vita.mn the real deal – that’s one secret(ion) I’ll never tell! Keep them guessing ALL THE TIME, fashionasties! No one ever has to know if you’ve paid retail price, paid full price, OR paid no price (a la five finger discount!)
Often times, when I was living la vida loca in the biggie apple, it was hard to get your two cents in, let a lone two sentences in with a celebrity because the rats are always eating the race. BUTT, juxtapose it to a commercial bookstore monopoly in (cheddar) Cheeseville, WI, and you get all the time in the world with your glittery iconoclasts!
So after an extremely To Wong Fu, Thanxxx for Everything roadtrip to Madison, we pull up at the bookstore, and there’s a GIANT bus painted Johnny Weir – being an ever so glamorous version of Atlas (a la balancing a glitter disco ball wearing seven inch Christian Louboutins). Are you kidding me?!?! So amazing!!!!!!
So fast forward thru waiting in the drive thru line and…
WE GOT A TOTAL OF SEVEN MINU†ES IN JOHNNY WEIR HEAVEN
(in case you were wondering!)
Firstly, he LOVED us. I mean, duh. Not surprised. Butt, he was so absolutely tender 4ever, I’m still dying over it. We discussed Minneapolis vs. Madison, fur, Chanel, & Rachel Zoe. I told him he owned her when he ripped that Proenza Schouler furby off her skeletor bod.
Hands down (or put both hands where I can see them – if you catch my drift!) the best, and most memorable moment is when he DEFENDED us to the Barnes & Noble organizers who wanted us to take one group picture. I’m sorry, butt like Fran Fine says, “These clothes don’t just fall on me by accident.” If we wanted a group picture, we would’ve all worn fucshia valour track suits with Juicey tramped below our stamps, butt we didn’t. You don’t just don rabbit fur and enough Coco Chanel to make you Loco No 5 for nothing. He politely told the book Nazis that we deserved individual pixxx because we drove all the way from MPLS. Swoon! Can he be anymore magikal? I think he can! After signing, photographing, etc. with us, we invited him out for a cocktail to which he seemed entirely intrigued by…butt unfortunately had to back out of because he was off to LA the next day…butt his genuity alone smeared across his Johnny Weir smirk illustrated pure yearning to hang out with us. I mean, who wouldn’t want to? Maybe next time, Johnny! Butt cum to Minneapolis.
We SWEAR, we’ll show you so much Dirty (Queer) Love!
We here at Fashionasty Headquarters love Johnny Boi for always getting into gender benders, always dresses for himself no matter what the event may be – whether it’s on ice or not, he’s head-to-toe fashionasty 24/7/365, and he OWNS it everyday. He doesn’t apologize for who he is, and he is such a super sweet babyface that’s soft spoken. Butt what he does stand and speak for, speaks VOLUMES. I love that he doesn’t like labels, unless they are designer. In a world where we categorize and contextualize everything, it’s simply rephreshing to see someone that you can’t put into any boxxx, in any sense. And he makes the most sense of all. Life shouldn’t be wasted on the boring, and Johnny is the farthest thing from that!
Stay fabulous, fierce, and fashionasty Johnny!
And…(whisper) I want to be ur boifriend. Just thought I’d put it out there…
© JAKE THOMPSON