Normally I like bells. Saved By The Bell…Taco Bell…Patti LaBelle…bell hooks…Belle & Sebastian…bells & whistles…etc.etc.etc. Butt starting second semester of sixth grade – I DETESTED the sound of bells before gym class. It meant an entire hour of forced hetero-masculine – yet irrevocably homo-erotic – physical activities such as two-touch football or tackle-but-don’t-tattle-tail-coach football. Ugh.
That sustained, shushed-n-hushed homosexuality oozing from those junior high football field’s pores would make any bjore strip laugh out loud at it’s own irony. Being surrounded by nearly twenty brawny babies all chasing after the same goal: balls, at the tender forever age of twelve seems xxxhilarating now, butt as much as it was xxxciting to be in a pile of jerks and their jocks at the time, it was also as confusing as Katy Perry must feel about her current singing career. Did anybody else throw up a little bit in their mouth during her Grammy purrformance?
Butt now fashionasties, you no longer have to be the last picked for kickball. Unlike High Skool Musikal, u don’t have to keep ur head in the game. What if I were to tell u there was a w(g)ay to warm the bench, butt walk the fashionasty runway simultaneously?!
Well, now you can with…
Fashionasty’s Basketball Diarrheas:
Warming the Bench & Slam Dunking The Style Stench
Didn’t make the varsity squad this season?! DON’T BE SAD! GET GLAAD! We (role)play all positions here/queer at Fashionasty Headquarters, and we’ll give you as many minutes on the court as long as u SHOW ME UR STUFF:
Rather than Nike telling you to “Just Do It,”
rebuttle them back Shaq attack with “Just DOIN’ It Well.”
Y(SL) wish you were a baller or a little bit taller?
If ur like Olivia Newton-John and wanna get physical, butt don’t want to break a sweat, now u can! Tired of counting food points on ur Weight Watchers regiment? Join Fashionasty’s Waist Notchers, instead! We aren’t quitters here/queer at Fashionasty Headquarters, butt if u quit counting food points, and focus on playing a love game in true blue fashionasty courtsmanship…the only points you’ll need to count are all the three pointers you’ll be scoring on ur belt notch!
By harnessing ur fashionasty (basket)balls,
u’ll blow the whistle on the competition in ur own Sporty Spice style.
5ive teaches us a basketball buttload with this message. The only FUNKy scent ur gonna be smelling is all the haters to the left who are sipping on their haterade. However, ur style stench is gonna be so stinky, it’s gonna inspire, perspire, and overall trannyspire the competition!
This post was approved by 2000 and late’s Aaron Carter:
© JAKE THOMPSON