Pent(agram)Haus Of WI†CHKRΔF†: Exorcising Ur Fashionasty Closet

To paraphrase Rockwell’s version of Whitney Houston’s ‘There’s a Stranger In My Haus’ AKA ‘Somebody’s Watching Me’:

“Do you always feel like ur in the twilight zone, fashionasties?

Don’t even THINK about double click dipping that mouse, fashionasites! Don’t be afraid of the starch. This is not a mormon-pushing Twatlight post starring Bella (Eve) & Edward (The Pope)…

Although, there will be a few elements of ready-to-SCARE tactics in this main dish entree, fashionasties do not live their life in fear because we are brave burger babes. The only thing scary is people that don’t understand us or don’t want to join the fashionasty glitter pAArty bus. Fear is only in the eye of the bee-reaper, so until death do us fart, don’t let anyone make you feel afraid to be the fashionasty you’ve always dreamt of being! If someone tries to scare you back into that sturdy closet of yours, just remember that you’ve got a whole foods cart-sized clan of fashionasties waiting to beep you, greet you, and eat you. We love you and we’re waiting for you. It’s more fun on this side of the closet…I promise you.

Butt, I must ask fashionasties, has their been some paranormal in ur scativities lately???

Can you just not stop SCREAMing over ur new Drew Barrymore do circa 1995?

Are you no longer spicing ur own baby with rosemary?

Is there a few things keeping you from closing ur jeeper peepers before u tail ur crypt?

To paraphrase The Jamburglar’s debut (cheeseburger) single ‘Yippy Little Shit-Su’ cumming soon:

“Are you starting to have an apocalyptic uprising in ur rectum? Are you going to need a plunger and an antiseptic for ur diarrhetic septum? Too bad for u, because I’m about to have an EXOCISM.

Exorcising Ur Fashionasty Closet.

Are your clothes starting to feel like they are going from fab to drab?
Are they light as a feather, butt stiff as a board(om)?!

With spring boners poppin’ and lockin’ all over the city, it hardly seemed fair to not do a step-n-pump-n-step tutorial to exorcising. It’s both a low-impact body workout, a getting-rid-of-shitty-sweaters covert operation, AND an overall vanity possession obsession.

What’s that fashionasties? Is that the face of JESUS (HAY-ZEUS) CHRISTO looking back at you from the glass of your mom’s boudoir?!

If you’re not fully grasping this concept: FASHIONASTIES NEED TO BEAM THEIR SELF-ESTEEM SCOTTY TO OUR HIGHEST HAUTE-Y. In the words of RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gon’ love somebody else?!”

Fashionasties all are “women that are POSSESSED by their own vanity.” There’s nothing arrogant, vile, or wrong in looking at the man in the mirror, and fully accepting love into your fashionasty he(f)art.

So we must begin to think and feel in the Kraft of Nancy:

Screw worshipping Manna!


We already know a few peeps that (s)exude this mantra:

If you kneel for ur own glory hole in the church pews,
you’ll be a real hard act to follow, sister.

The only Regina that will be getting Salve is YOU!!!

Don’t follow him, or capital H.I.M. As a fashionasty, follow URSELF!!! Ur the only one who does YOU everyday. Scriptures are prudent, and anthropology is only book-deep. Just get out there in act, wear, live the way you want to!

Joan Osborne was up to something in 1998 when she asked,
“What if God was one of us?”
Because he is. He’s U. Ur, ur own god.

Don’t be Trapped in the Closet like R. Kelly…it’s time we cleaned out any messy feelings we feel about ourselves because you’re only as beautiful on the outside as you feel on the inside. I promise, I’m not trying to be a Glee episode. I’m just giving it to you double, double, animal style. This is an all inclusive club (sandwich) butt we don’t take any prisoners. U gotta relish in your own tasty pickles, we’re just always gonna be here/queer to help you finish ur snack!

Once we’ve werqed out all the kink(y)s on your glittery intestines, we can get to the (s)exterior skeleton!!!

Shopgifting & regifting are interchangeable in my mind. So when ur cleaning out ur closet, your fashionasty throwaways may be someone else’s glow-todays.

And once you make enuff room in ur boom boom, u can totally look as possessed on the outside as you do on the inside!!!

Although these looks are DROP DEAD GORGEOUS…they will make you feel SO ALIVE:

Spread eagle across ur pentagram and luv urself, luv each other, and above all, luv exorcising in and out of ur fashionasty closet every d(g)ay!




About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
This entry was posted in Fashionasty Studies. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Pent(agram)Haus Of WI†CHKRΔF†: Exorcising Ur Fashionasty Closet

  1. Holly says:

    I love this so much it makes me want to puke. Especially the Craft references and photoshoots with models playing in pentagrams. But not the Exorcism photos. That movie is scarier than a closet filled with taupe!

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