FashionastyWeekly Who Whore It Better: Barbies Vs. Trolls

Welcum to the first edition of FashionastyWeekly
~A non-bra-fit digital publication~

featuring my first (stripper) poll:

WHO WHORE IT BETTER: BARBIES VS. TROLLS

My fashionasty fascination started with these pioneering plastic pilgrims around three years old when I use to steal my sister’s Kira and Kelly dolls – AKA Barbie’s POC friends that filled the diversity brochure void for Mattel.

It wasn’t because of their abnormally abnormal bodies or even the fact that they had synthetic hair that attracted me to these dolls…Ken’s absent bulge didn’t do it to it for me either…


What really caught my Barbie sty-in-eye was because Barbie had an outfit for EVERYTHING.

Over-the-top, unneccessary, and unrealistic.

Just like a fashionasty!


Like Fashionasty – Barbie filled early nostalgic cream puffs’ heads with dressing up and becumming whomever you wanted to be! Life is one big costume anyway, isn’t it? In the words of Aqua, “Imagination, Life is Ur Creation.” From Aqua’s (tu)lips to Fashionasty’s ears. Life isn’t about finding ourselves fashionasties, it’s about CREATING ourselves. Through Barbie, we could become scuba divers, professional dog washers, and even astronauts.


Beyond a cornacopia of careers-to-choose from (ie. McDonald’s, Pediatrician, Opera Singer, etc.) Barbie clearly had it going on in the fashionasty department. Clear wedges with matching clear coats, Rapunzel crimped hair with bow clips, and micro-minis so tiny no matter what shape or size you were, you’d be nicknamed “legs” at the club. Essentially, she was the real doll version of Cher Horowitz…


Troll obsession began a few years after my Barbie stint began…

What makes Troll dolls so fashionasty?!

Um…they have multi-colored fros that put Patti LaBelle to shame…they are butt naked…they look like Pauly Shore…AND Mary-Kate Olsen…AND, last butt certianly not least…they are VAJAZZLED with their own semi-precious gem. Are those enough reasons?

In the words of Head. Troll. In. Charge: Lil Kim:
“Trolls don’t give a fuck, that’s what I like about ’em!


While we’d wait for the bus in Lincroft NJ to pull up, my sister and our two friends would fit in an episode of Colonialism 101: As seen through the lens of Barbies & Trolls. For second graders, I think it was slightly barbaric…butt hey! At least we weren’t making them dry-hump in Barbie’s convertible…that didn’t happen until I was in fourth grade, duh! And now with the likes of Twilight’s shirtless Jacob barbie dolls being produced today, it hardly seems criminal what we did back then…

Trolls – the underdogs – would savagely ransack Barbie & her plastic posse at the mall while they went shopping. Chanel and Dior bags flying like saucers, unaccounted for limbs tangled in troll hair debris…

It was a full on Toys Gone Wild: Uncensored and Unadulterated.


Butt alas! Post-imperialism battle, there was a clandestine controversy developing between Barbie’s legs. No literally, it was a troll that came just above her bendable knee caps. Skipper – Barbie’s sister had been caught spooning with DUN DUN DUNTroll! (Gulp.) SCANDAL, SCANDAL!

Skipper and Troll came out – just like all us brave fashionasties do! – and confessed their undying love for one another. They became Mattel martyls all before Mrs. Richfields’ first grade class…

If Barbie and Troll could paint with all the colors of the wind, can’t we?!

So…in light, mirror mirror on the wordpress wall, who’s the fashionastiest of them all?

Barbies or Trolls???

XOXO,

© JAKE THOMPSON

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About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
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2 Responses to FashionastyWeekly Who Whore It Better: Barbies Vs. Trolls

  1. Emily says:

    Barbie fo’sho!! Haha, love the pics, hilarious post!

  2. Pingback: ғaѕнιonaѕтy dιgeѕт: weeĸly wrιтιngѕ on тнe wall #2 | fashionasty

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