La (Amuse-)Bouche: Be My Haute Hors d’œuvre Couture Luver

Besides teaching us that $$$ can’t buy you class (or an audible singing voice), Cuntessa Luann taught us that, “Life is all about elegance & flair, & savoir faire (French[-kiss] for ‘saying the right thing.’)”

Butt everything this little autotun(a)e slamwich stands for totally goes against the concept(ual) of living life in the FA$HIONA$TY lane. To all of us burger goddesses, “Life is all about being Fashion, being Nasty, & being the Amuse to your Bouche.”

Wicca-pedia defines Amuse-bouche – French for “mouth amuser” as a single, bite-sized hor d’œuvre.


Butt in the lip gloss(ary) of fashionasty, Amuse-bouche takes on several other (white meat) meanings as well.


1) For starters, “mouth amusers.” Whether that means ur a super foodie, a borderline alcoholic, or just a glitter baby that likes to get (a)head by making out, taking out, and eating out (if you catch my drift!) we here at Fashionasty Headquarters fully s(upport)ports bra amusing the mouth.


Like Shakira-Shakira, fashionasties continulously have an Oral Fixxxation.


We are always on tour to put something in our mouth.


To quote my new favorite fashionasty – Chris Robert’s mother – “Just remember to stay away from cock and take Lysine.”


2) Living life in the fashionasty fast food line keeps a pretty tight schedule. Becuz when ur feeling fabulous & not apologizing for it, haterz to the left will pick up on ur always-glass-half-full (or in our boxed-wine case, the glass will more times than not be empty solely because I’m a lush(cious) lady who likes to get boozy. Sorry!)  attitude and want to put their what – in ur bu…

Get ur head out of the gutter, I was going to say buuu…lackberry aka crackberry!

Being the blossoming burger social butterflies that we are, it allots less time for hot dish, butt more time for getting urself on the haute lists. VIP. Fashion shows. Bottle service. Don’t act like you don’t want it!

To paraphrase Boy George:

“[We’ve] got nothing but time
And time won’t give [us] time
Won’t give [us] time.”


So really, why are you wasting time snacking on a lunchable/crackable?! When YOU could be the MANE ENTREE at opening night, Opening Ceremony, or any open sesame ur he(f)art desires. The world is ur oyster, so make like Grace Jones: snap into a raw amuse-bouche aphrodisiac, get outta ur clam, and get center stage. Life is wasted on the boring and the safe, so hone ur inner fashionasty and get on the plates of foodies worldwide. Don’t just make them hungry, make them salivate over you.


Butt just like the p(hallic)hilosophy behind an amuse-bouche, GIVE THEM JUST A SINGLE BITE! Build the cone of Je Nais Se Quoi. Keep them guessing. If they’re haterz already, why give them ur all?!

Being desperado is NEVER a cute look (unless of course ur Antonio Banderas & Salma Hayek)…so by giving just a taste – an APPETEASER – if you will, you can still, as Sarah McLachlan puts it, “Build a Mystery.”

And 3) Lastly, Fashionasty doesn’t believe in sizes. I mean, u can buy ur hair if it won’t grow, fixxx ur nose if he says so, & u can even buy all the make-up that (big) MAC can make…butt if ur gonna cry a river about (s)not “fitting” into sample sizes, ur officially on the outs! Sorry!


Unpretty REMIX – TLC feat Regina Spektor

We’re all inclusive here/queer, butt to me, if you’re gunna continue to waste ur life wasting away ur waist for haterz, ur gunna have a hard time making fashionasty friends bc we’re body positive, baby!

Also, to me, there’s just something so entirely filthy gorgeous about A TIGHT SQUEEZE.

Why suck in ur j-e-l-l-o, when you can really just say h-e-l-l-o!


If u love urself, the world’s gunna love you too.

Skip to 5:12 & watch my grrrl werq it out:

*And if ur SO concerned with ur shape, just think: the tighter the tee, u’ll really only have room for one bite-sized crab cake, salmon tartar, or deviled egg anyways.


So ultimately, the amuse-bouche lifestyle will not only encapsulate ur sausage in all the right places of ur tube tights, butt it will also keep you in the meatpacking district for an eternity.


Happy Amuse-bouche-ing bougie burger babies!

XOXO,

©
JAKE THOMPSON

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About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
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One Response to La (Amuse-)Bouche: Be My Haute Hors d’œuvre Couture Luver

  1. Pingback: ғaѕнιonaѕтy dιgeѕт: weeĸly wrιтιngѕ on тнe wall #2 | fashionasty

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