Mark ur calendars fashionasties because today goes down in hairstory as the very first day I will give hugs and kisses and say hasta la vista baby to my beloved Aquanet. I know! I’m sorry, Fran Fine…
And I have one person to thank for this: thee tough, thee talented, thee TABATHA COFFEY. Don’t act like you don’t watch Bravo religiously, fashionasties. I mean c’mon, are you Team Kim or Team Kyle? Subtlety is boring and I don’t have patience for apathy. You’re either with la programa, or your (s)not.
Thanks to my sassy, sexy, snake-skin pumps strutting sister, Alexis Thompson for wearing the blowdryer in this relationship and making this hair fantasy a fashionasty reality!
Coffey was at the MOA to promote “It’s Not Really About the Hair.” A collection of memoirs written by the Aussie haughty, which my badass black frock flaunting sister not only invited her to, butt had the honor of interviewing her (how cool is that?!) We learned not only the truth behind the Bravo star’s hair, butt what’s under(wear) her salon chair.
Firstly – my bedroom looks like Voldemort had to hold Bellatrix LeStrange’s hair back as she projectile-vomited her black – but chic – wardrobe all over my floor. Even Death Eaters need to pass the courvoisier from time to time.
BLACK. I rarely wear the color – although my Vita.mn 15 se(x)conds of fame may illustrate otherwise…butt I had to get Coffey’ed. I kept the “fashion” on top, but made sure to sport some “nasty” on bottom. Leopard anything really does the trick, fashionasties in case you didn’t already know. Duh.
Tabatha arrives…donning a STR8 UP RU$$IAN MAFIA gray chinchilla coat and Anna Wintour beetle bug sunglasses.
She’d take Rachel Zoe to the parking lot in a fur-off and totally win. An assistant offers to take her coat, to which Coffey replies, “Eh,” before she nonchalantly tosses it on the ground. NBD. If you aren’t a fan of her, you have to give serious RESPEKT for that. It wasn’t so much the factoid that she was draped in lux chinchilla (I mean it’s Tabatha, would you [s]except anything else?!) that made me fall in love with her, it was that SHE wore the coat, it didn’t wear her. And she didn’t apologize for it. True blue fashionasty if you ask me!
Much like her TV persona, Tabatha kept it real with us. She openly admitted to accepting and owning the term “bitch.” To her, the word takes on a lifestyle acronym: Brave. Independent. Tenacious. Creative. And Honest. Love that! In the words of Shakira-Shakira, underneath her clothes – in this case – a chic black turtleneck – there’s an endless story. She has a partner of 13 years, and grew up in the land down (th)under, working for her parent’s clubs (sandwiches). Strip clubs, I should add. Tranny strip clubs, in case you were still wondering. She would rebead g-strings, and comb out wigs, and that is where she said she gained a strong sense of self, and a lifetime love affair with hair styling.
Owning who you are 24/7/365 is key to living life in the fashionasty lane. Tabatha is a (tasty) prime (rib) example of that very notion. She’s always known herself, worked hard(core), and carries herself with an open heart and an open mind. She is aware of her platform and exercises it in a positive way. Hairy cool!
After an intimate heart-to-heart, she proceeded to give me a hair consultation…DUN DUN DUN! I think my initial facial (s)expression said it all. It was like looking into a crystal ball. I knew once I opened that particular pandora’s boxxx, not only would I have to move to Pandora with James Cameron and his Avatards, butt I’d have to get some new hair. My face read, “I know Tabatha, I’m confused too.”
She told me to ditch the bitch aka Aquanet and didn’t understand my ‘Nanny’ excuse. I was (this close) to exploding into an uncanny Fran Fine nasal laughing fit, but I resisted temptacion. She also told me I needed to loose the orange because it wasn’t doing any favors for me. After this radically honest critique, I was grinning from ear to ear. I mean, I know she sort of dissed my locks of love, butt who cares? It’s TABATHA COFFEY. She could’ve punched me in the face, and like the wide-eyed red-haired freak in 2004’s ‘Mean Girls,’ I would’ve simply said: “It. was. awesome.” That’s because she is! Again – Tabatha (Cat) keeps it fashionasty full time because she tells it like it is. Meow! We here at Fashionasty Headquarters love that about her. No Minnesota nice in her book, thank you.
Butt wait! Some of you fashionasties may find yourself asking: “If Tabatha told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that too, Ja(ke)mburglar?” Now let’s (s)not be hasty, fashionasties. It’s not attractive. Just because I’m nixxing butane, isobutane, propane, and isopropane aka PHE-890, doesn’t mean I won’t put other toxxxic chemicals into my hair. I’m the Ja(ke)mburglar 24/7/365 and like Tabatha, I’m not going to apologize for it. Fashionasty is about owning urself and every now and (later) then, it’s important to take influences/advice from other fashionasties. I mean, c’mon, don’t act like you don’t have MK & Ashley’s INFLUENCE on your coffee table.
If you’re THAT embarrassed you can always put your Purple Magazine, American Apparel catalogue, or collection of Printed Matter zines on top of it so no one has to know butt you and me. Shh! That’s one secret(ion) I’ll never tell.
Butt it is of utter honesty that led me to a future no longer having hairspray snokeflakes sprinkled cross my leopard cape coat, and that’s haute.
So in conclusion, she might be tuff, she sure as hell is talented, and she’s TAKING OVER fashionasty today! Kudos to Bravo for showcasing a smart, sassy, biznasty woman. We love you Tabatha! Come back again soon!
© JAKE THOMPSON