Boi do I have a TREAT for you, fashionasties! I met TRU LIFE: JERRI BLANK at a book signing at the corporate library stables, Barnes & Noble.
Unfortunately, she wasn’t sporting her infamous high waisted Lee Riders, butt she was a riot, to say the least!
I showed up donning what she described after meating me – after waiting nearly three hours in line with every NYU/Columbia manorexic faggot known to wo/mynkind – as “T.G.I.F.’s” Couture. Just to give you a visual, it was a parrot teacher vest with a stripped white & navy pinstripe button down and saddle shoes. I didn’t really consider whether it was a compliment or a diss, becuz, ummmm it’s AMY EFFING SEDARIS. She could tell me I smelled like poop, and I would’ve given her a kiss on each cheek. And I’m not talking about her face (if you catch my drift!)
The trick is anytime you go to a book signing, be sure to be within the last ten peeps of even giving line, becuz most times the author will give you all the time in the world becuz you waited said three fucking hours for them to scribble a Mary-Kate Olsen-esque signature. I got a total of SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN with her (in case you were wondering!)
We discussed glitter, and how apparently there is a GLITTER FACTORY in Midtown that she said we could go to together…”But wait, I forgot, I’m famous and I can’t really hang out with normal people,” she says. It was seven shades of badass, touche-my-dark-lord, and so fashionasty I couldn’t help myself. I squealed and replied with, “Duh, I totally get it.”
I then presented her with Diet Squirt’s copy of her previous book, “I Like You.” I told her the reason she couldn’t make the signing is becuz she was fornicrafting to which Sedaris replied with, “Ur naughty.” Meow! Cumming from the brain genius of lines such as, “I’m gunna make ur pinky all stinky!”
So in short, this is what she wrote in DS’s book:
Are you dying?!?!?!?!?! Do you still have a pulse, fashionasties?!?!?!?! I know, I know, I’m losing my kool too!!!!!!!!!
© JAKE THOMPSON