Portlandia

Disclaimer Fashionasties: If you happen to purposefully make your outer appearance look as though you aren’t trying (a la Seattle Grunge) even though all of us at Fashionasty Headquarters know that there was meticulous thought put into every sore and every score of the novel flannel your sporting (and honestly post-humanism is the new movement anyway, so put your crusty [pizza] punx away and get with the program)…and if you happen to binge on grape nuts and soy milk verbally splashing red paint on furry conversations insinuating that your life actually revolves around your vegetable-based diet (Who cares?! No seriously. Who actually gives a fuck about your macro-biotic diet?!) Or if you insist that you are some thespian Dawson’s Creek (f)artist, when your “art” is little more than a piece of drift wood nailed a 2X4…then this post is NOT for you. I repeat – NOT for you!

Butt, ponder me this fashionasties, this doesn’t seem to illustrate what we are doing here in our fashionasty movement, am I right?! As Fran Fine says, “These clothes don’t just happen to fall on me.” Therefore all us burger babies claim to fame that there is definitely a pinch of thought that goes into our costumes/garbs…without being a bitch about it! Butt, it’s OK to own up and not apologize what’s on your iPod playlist…since when did we have to start defending ourselves burger heathens?! You are fabulous ALWAYS and don’t give a damn/care what flannel wearing hipster haters think of you anyone…in less than five years, they will be sporting a mini van in Blaine with their ugly Talbots sweater sets, and the highlight of their life will be tivoing Glee & eagerly rushing home in said-mini van to try out the latest and greatest Lean Cuisine. A scheduled surburbia nightmare! (I’m not a hostile unhappy meal…Whatever strokes your banana boat is fine with me! Just don’t hate on us for being full time fabulous!!!)

This post cums from an unlikely candidate of mine…I recently just got back from my deflowering of Portland when I went to visit Diet Squirt, where she was posted as the real house bunny of Oregon. We came, we saw, and gurl did we conquer! Truthfully, there really isn’t anything to do in Portland other than wait til it’s dark, empty at minimum four bottles of champagne, do karaoke, and fully exercise the definition of self-loathing after you take a visit to the food trucks. I repeat – FOOD TRUX – they are where it’s at.

These crunchy little granolas insisted that Diet Squirt & I were “so NY” and they only thought we were cool after we told them we were from the Big Apple Bluez. Really? Call it a NE complexxx, butt what’s so great about the rat race of New York City anyway…a) I’m not a producer, I can’t get you a job and b) I’m going to need a vacuum for all the names you just dropped! Like I really actually don’t care who you run in circles with…

My favorite was when we met [a-girl-who’s-name-I-won’t-list-here] who not only had a side ponytail to talk about, butt she really had nothing to talk about at all. I mean, what with that monotonous voice of hers, she should be THRILLED to speak about all her little art projects and K Records bands, right? Can I get a witness?

She elaborated on tofu cream cheese, soy candles, and art school vs. liberal arts education…A sucksessfull college drop-out by trade, it was hard for me to empathize with this little soy nugget’s take on art school and being an artist.

If you ask me, I feel like you can’t really be dubbed the title of “artist” until someone else tells you, you infact, are an artist. Ancient iconoclasts waited the long haul to be recognized and appreciated, and nowadays, little Portland punkies take ownership of the word, and claim how different they are. How are they all different, when really they are all the same? “Uniquely similiar”, as my friend Doreen puts it. In the world of Fashionasty, we all share a glitter commonality and we embrace, celebrate, relish, marinate with one another because, DUH. We all like borderline ugly fashion. Plain & simple.

So next time you make your identity the result of what organic spread your spraying on your gluten-free toast, just remember that there are a million other little mcnasties macking on the same mac daddy as you. If that’s not therapy for the masses, than I don’t know what else is. Save kneeling for the glory holes, not a church pew. Get your Jesus fixxx every day here at Fashionasty Headquarters.

Until next time, throw away your flannel, and pull on your gold sequins-encrusted cardigan and be the beautiful burger goddess you know you are deep down. Atleast you know, you’ve got an entire troop de force clapping and slapping for you over here at Fashionasty. And I guarantee if no one else will clown it up with you in the closet, you can count on me to meat you halfway in a paisley and animal print disaster!

Upstaging Flannelhood during “Jagged Little Spill.”

Grape Nuts & Joy Milk,

XOXO,

© JAKE THOMPSON

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About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
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