I AM COUNT DRACULA
I’M FROM TRANNYSLAVANIA
I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD
Dear Ladies & Vamps,
Fashionasties never should say never.
Because before this post…I was sipping on H8ERADE.
As I type this, blood orange red dye in my hair, I sit surrounded by lit black candles. I have CUM OUT OF MY COFFIN and seen the light. I totally get the vampire craze now…
(EWWW!!! I can’t get a date.com!)
Although my computer is teaming with CVSTD (Computer Virus Sexually Trannysmitted Diseases) thanks to illegal Chinese websites…I’m happy (meal) to say that I have given up my sacrificial virginity to HBO’s True Blood.
Move over Video Vixens…Video Vamps are my newest guilty pleasure.
HUBBA HUBBA. AKA VAMPIRE HUMPER.
How can JEW get this Trannyslvanian look?! NEVER SWEAT. Here’s some tips aka J.T.T. (JUST THE TIP!) on being the best GLAMPIRE YOU CAN BE!
Stick to the cla$$ics. Nosferatu ain’t got shit on nobody. Black cloaks and military jackets will keep your bloody flow steady and make you the vamp-nasiest to the maxi pad!
Not into long (chicken) fingers?! Maybe Buffster’s more on your side. High waisted jeans, cross necklaces, and midriffs to show off that six pack of beer are more your style. Just remember, your greatest a$$essory isn’t your wooden stake…unless the only WOODEN part about it is Luke’s Perry!
Not into the 80’s?! Well maybe the 90’s is more up your alley scat! We all learned, thanks to Wong Fu, that Wesley Snipes does NOT make a pretty lady…BUTT…he makes a kicka$$ muthafuckin’ GLAMPIRE. I’m like, how many bites does it take til you get to the center of the…
YOU BETTER WERK.
Glitter Nation loves Parker Posey. And if anyone can wear a lion’s stole like it’s nobody’s biznazz, then power to your peephole. Hey stuff! Go on with your bad self!
Now I know everyone’s blood thirsty for the vamps of True Blood…but really, the man that I want to be my maker is this hunk of meat:
Waitress: What can I get you?
Me: The JASON STACKHOUSE. XXXtra syrup. K THNX LUV U BUH BYE.
Show me your teeth,
© JAKE THOMPSON