Won’t You Be My (Skeeter) Valentine?

Dearest Diarrheas,
What’s wong?! Scat got your tongue?! Is the only thing that’s getting packed these days your lunch box and not your heat?! Are these winter blues finally taking a toll on your sparkly aorta???
We are all too familiar that today is that (cheddar) cheesey Hallmark holigay, Valentine’s Day.

 

Are you alone on V-agina Day this year? Do you have no one to take you out and eat you out?! Rather than getting SAD. Let’s get GLAAD for a minute. Tell your friends Ben and Jerry they can go home because there is no reason to feel half-glass empty about this situation…

Because we can all proudly say that we know this made up chocolate/BBC in my PYT-giving love fest is a HOAXERFACE. “Just hoax, just hoax this face, just hoax, hoax this face…”

We are the antithesis to every romantic comedy that Julia Roberts has ever starred in. Including the douchey “Valentine’s Day” whichshe wiped her ass on screen for a whopping six minutes and flushed 20 million shot-calla-dollars into her phat bank account.
We embrace finding yourself first, not a man. Who needs them?! They aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. And if the Mayans infact are correct in the world is literally ending in 2012, why would you live your life for an XY chromeo anyway?!?! W.W.L.G.D?! (WHAT WOULD LADY GAGA DO?!)

In the words of our favorite (and infamous) mexican beer, Dos XX: “You only live once. Make sure it’s enough!” And if there were a world no longer with men mind-cuntrolling us into their sheets…it wouldn’t be the end! We’d just have to obtain a double-wide stroller and adapt to Lillith Fair land in Park Slope, Brooklynif you catch my drift. It could be worse…A LOT worse…
i.e:


We say: focus on the NOW. The Y – O – U. The JEW inside.
For most fashionasties, we relish in our singledom. Infact, we here at Glitter Nation want to merge three of our all time favorite pop culture phenomenons into one entity coin(slot) catchphrase that all fashionasties should aspire and cater towards this lifestyle: CRAFT $INGLE LADIE$.
+ + = C$L.
1) Are boys afraid of your dark? Do you wear a lot of black eyeliner? Are you a burger heathen? Camping out in the woods, practicing weird African Voodoo on Boi Potentials???

Don’t worry! In the words of Michael Jackson…YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are what we call at Glitter Nation a WICCA WOW WOW. You’re a witch, and bitches get five stiches that mess with you, including petty lil boi wonders. In your mind, boys are LIGHT AS A FEATHER, STIFF AS A BO(ARD)REDOM. Infact, in most cases, boys like you freaky like this. But don’t trade in your black lace and keychain necklaces for them. You wear a lot of black velvet, crosses, & can walk on water. You’re practically Hay-Zeus Christo…(minus the jesus sandals of course!) Raffi & Christopher Lowe are the only two that can get away with those unfathomable “shoes.”

WALK. WALK. WALK ON WATER. WERK IT. IM A FREE BITCH BEBE.
2) Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the cheddar cheesiest of them all?!
Do bois think the only base you’ll get to with them is rapping Rob Base at Karaoke Tuesdays?! Can you annotate every episode of True Blood at will? Have you seen Jennifer’s Body more than three times?! NEVER FEAR fashionasties…you’re just a NERDY NYMPH.

You’re a lady in the street, but you’ve got a CALCULATOR in the bed!!!”
Being Nerd Nasty is kind of kitsch as fuck right now. Everyone wants to be the whole (hole) in their some (sum). It just means you like to dungeon bois dragons. Most times, nerdy nymphs turn out to be the nasty nastiest of them all. They even steal grammies from GODGA & SASHA FIERCE AND PUT STEVIE NICKS IN THE CORNER. NO JOKE.
3) Can you do the scissor lick?! Can you touch your heels and touch your toes?! Are you a survivor?! An independent woman who can pay her own bills and say her own name?!
The real question is, can you pose like this?:

If you can contort your clogged organs into this piece of art than you my friend are a TRICK BIOTCH. You are a star. You’ve kicked out all the other bandmates, while dying your weave and remaining fabulous while doing so. It’s OK. You need to treat this lifestyle card like you treat your man. THERE IS ONLY ROOM FOR ONE STAR IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, AND IT’S OBVIOUSLY Y – O – U FASHIONA$TY. So unless your man is Jay Z, you’re gonna have 69 problems, but a BITCH at one. Because the only bitch that is in your trick is
yourself!

Now…if you still feel like you don’t fit any of those scattagories, it’s OK. Here at Glitter Nation, every one is welcum. We understand that a fashionasty’s gotta do, what a fashionasty’s gotta do. We never said we don’t like feeling a little POKE coming through, on you! We just don’t want to confuse LUST and LOVE.
So we ultimately want you to practice shameless LOVE to yourself by coming out of the Online Dating closet!!! Don’t be like R. Kelly and feel trapped. There is nothing to be embarrassed about surfing for some smurphing in cyber land. Just make sure you are safe and wear protection!!!

No matter how you slice your Wonderbread, we hope that you feel the love around you from all the glitter babes in your life…whether its family, friends, or that special Boi Toy in your Happy Meal…

This message has been approved by the Original Ying Yang Twin & Nickelodeon’s very first POC (Person of Color) character:

AWW SKEET SKEET RIGHT NOW.

XOXOXO,

© JAKE THOMPSON

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About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
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