It’s no surprise that we here at Glitter Nation are food(ie) swing babes. Mami isn’t happy (meal), if she doesn’t get her food (binge) fix. Infact, in the words of our Mariah Almighty, “Why are we so OBSESSED with it?” More times than not, snack attacks and midnight Big Mac Heart Attacks are the one infinite solace and constant comfort (food) to every burger babies’ lifestyle. When we aren’t getting served hot lunch in the meat packing district, we rely on our friendly fridge to fill us up, and never let us down (syndrome).
Whichever way you (pizza) slice it, we like to wrap it up, eat-me-out-then-take-me-out, pack-my-lunch-then-pack-my-heat, stuff-my-face-then-stuff-me-up, with a side of waffle fries and a dill pickle. Kosher only, plze (if you catch my drift!)
However, more times than not, when you’re not craving a Man after midnight, but Mayonnaise instead…and you go bender style, pounding Lunchables as if it’s a free-for-all, one-night-only, bu(tt)ffet…
Do you ever find yourself just eating out of boredom?! …
Or eating yourself into a gluttenous state of ecstasy?! …
Do you ever just want to take your cafeteria tray of food up to Brokeback Mountain and say, “I wish I knew how to quit you!” ?…
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
Our doctors-without-(south of the)-borders in our Rectal Research Program funded by Glitter Nation has done a CRITICAL ANAL-YLIS of certain food addictions and have concurred that certain fashionasties aren’t being burger brainwashed into food coma-tose after a night of fridge (deep) frying…but that some of the recipes they are sinking their glitter grits into come from the archival anarchist cookbook:
THE BRITNEY HOUSTON COOKBOOK.
A compilation of (crack is) WHACK RECIPES that are so addictive you can’t stop eating them!
The (Dairy) Queen of Pop has had her fill. Literally! What made Britney go off the deep (fried oreos) end two years ago?! Her Su(ed) Chef was preparing her meals from the Britney Houston Cookbook!
Preparation time 3 1/2 years
“Give her, give her more, give her more, give her, give her smores!”
1 Night Stand w/ K-Fed(ex)
1 life-time supply of prescription drugs
1 Venti Caramel Macciato w/ 2 % milk & a dollop of whip cream
1 bottomless supply of 99 cents bags of Cheetos
2 bare feet
1 don’t-give-a-flying-fuck bad-itude
1) Arrange a heavily synched POS (Piece of Scat) album
2) Get knocked-up-and-blocked-up by the Fart-ist formally known as K-Fed
3) Go animal style at Mickey D’s, bags of Cheetos, and cigarettes
4) Don’t wear shoes when you use gas station restrooms
5) Stir them all in your Toxic mixing bowl and VA-LA! You will have one deliciously addictive Britney!
What made Whitney Houston tie with Tom Cruise for Bat-shit Behavior on Oprah?! She was having a Big Mac Crack Attack from the Britney Houston Cookbook at every meal!
Preparation Time 15 years
“And I-eee-iii-eee-iii will always love (crack) food!”
1 Bobby Brown
1 lifetime supply of CRACK
1 failed reality show on the Scat Network
1 WHACK interview with Diane Sawyer
1 CRACK ATTACK interview with Oprah
1) Star in a film with Kevin Costner
2) Allow cameras to document you’re main squeeze illustrating TRUE LOVE by being the Bobby to your Brown and assisting your bowels on Channel 69
3) Go to Isreal to seek a (high)er God
4) Say “Crack Is Whack” whenever you’re in the limelight
5) Stir them all in your Crackpipe and POOF! You’ve made yourself an addictive Whitney elixir!
So next time your burger confidants hate on you for over-eating, remind them that there are trace fecal matter ingredients from the Britney Houston Cookbook in your hot dish. So start sewing elastic into your mom jeans and prepare yourself for some truly addictive recipes this Holiday Season!
CRACK-ABLES. IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER.
And never fear fashionasty foodies, we are developing a Lindsay Winehouse Rehab Cookbook for all the burger babes that might take the Britney Houston challenge too seriously. Happy indulging!
© JAKE THOMPSON