True Hollywood Story: The Hamburglar


The Hamburglar.
He can’t resist those hamburgers.
He likes them nice and hot.
But every time he snatches one
The Hamburglar gets caught.
A reckless burger bandit…
A Beetlejuice clad fashion(asty)ista…
A fast food crook with a speech impediment & more fire in his crotch than Danny Bonaduce…
Who exactly is the Hamburglar you ask???
WILL THE REAL HAMBURGLAR PLZE STAND UP.
Like the current tra(i)nny wreck that is LiLo, The Hamburglar is sick of rumors starting…and for the first time on Na(s)tional T.V. gives you an unabashed look into the burger-obsessed-babe-that-could’s life.
After pilfering through the archives of the interweb, we at G.N. headquarter’s came across urbandictionary.com’s definition of The Hamburglar:
1. The Hamburglar
1. have your sexual partner grab a handful of ground hamburger (about enough for a hamburger)
2. then he/she proceeds to jack you off with the handful of ground meat.
3. when you are about to ejaculate have him/her cover you dick with the raw meat and allow you to cum in it.
4. she then continues to make the patty and throws it on the grill for a delicious hamburger.

Hmm…that’s not fashion…that’s just plain NASTY!!! If someone is willing to actually perform this action, they must really love their H1N1 hamburger hottie…or…have a serious case of Mad Cow! Moo(ve) Over Plze!
Putting that aside, now onto the actual Hamburglar…
For most fashionasties, whilst partying like it’s 1971, they were first introduced to the Hamburglar in McDonaldland. Wildly popular as the cholesterol crook of the McGangBang Theory, he painted the town burger and made it a hard-knock life for Ronald, Grimace, Birdie, & the Big Mac.
But it wasn’t exactly for robbing dollar menu desserts with cheese that made the other Golden Arch foes haters to the left. But rather, because The Hamburglar quickly evolved into the Hamburglar Biotch In Charge. Thee Original H.B.I.C. if you.
What other novel character from the seventies could get away with stomping the scatwalk in full fashionasty-proof burger apparel than the Hamburglar?!?! Not even the Burger King kid’s could compete with his fast food fashion forwardness. Doning a jailbait jumpsuit, cape, mask, and mustard and ketchup is enough to Frankfurt anyone’s Germany.

G.N.’s protege aka The Original M.C. is OBSESSED
with the Hamburglar’s s
triped style &
puts the quarter in our pounder.

“It’s a party in the McDonaldland!”
This disney diva keeps it Hamburglarnasty cuz she’s just being Miley!

What also made the Hamburglar the fashionastiest of them all was how confident one could be while carrying a satchel of burgers around that we all know smells like brocolli-pasta-butthole-bending-over-in-a-barn…


Carrie had enuff of this Burger after he put the stinky in her pinky!
And we all know the only fashionasty that enjoys foul scents is
the orig strangler with Candy, Amy Sedaris.
No one wants to smell your Filet-o-Fish with Tartar Sauce (especially if you’re on the rag!) but what was so enduring about this little burger babe is that he’d tote around town in his hamburger couture all the while ranking and stanking up the joint with his tran(ny)s fatty mcnasties. Kind of reminiscent to one festive eve in Greenpoint when G.N.’s Hamburglar channeled the cholesterol-caped-burger-bandit while toting around a bar with three-hour old chinese food and still getting down to bomb beats and passing the covoursieur. Holla! What can I get for ten dolla?!

Lastly, what kept the Hamburglar so salty and got him respect was that he lives everyday like it’s shark week aka best week ever aka “You only live once, make sure it’s enough!” And he didn’t apologize for it. This tickety-tack-tranny got too dirty to clean his scat up day in and day out, stealing burgers, being retardy for the party, and and overall Konvict. He indulged excessively in the finer things in life. Pounding burgers like it’s his job, and he wouldn’t stop til he got enough.
Just like fashionasties lifestyle…don’t let nobody put a bag ‘o Lays po-ta-toe chips in yo face and serve you with a cold “Betcha Can’
t Have Just One!” Cuz Lord knows, a fashionasty lives life to the maxi pad, spendin’ like we’ll never get the bill…overindulging in champagne, glitter, fashun, sloshing & gnoshing, & lux furs, eating life in a gluttenous state-of-inhibition because you know why? WE CAN. SI SE PUEDE. And yes, we will have our steak and eat it too, Marie Antionette!
So if you’ve been convicted by the Fashun Police, remind them who’s the boss! And no, it’s not Tony Danza, it’s YOU, silly! Like the Hamburglar, grab life by the balls & when in doubt, make sure the papi-nazis AT LEAST take a cute mugshot. We all know you fashionasties practice in the mirrors with your Myspace polaroids. It’s OK, we do too.

Like ordering a Value Meal, Blohan is just a lil bossy…she like’s it how she like’s it when she like’s it…(well, truth be told, she most likely isn’t eating anything. At least burger related! Well, unless it’s SamRo’s Filet-o-Fish if you catch my drift!)

(Man in the) Mirror, Mirror, on the wall…who’s the fashionastiest of them all?!?!

The Star’s Might be Blind, but this bitch is breakfast!

This Konvict was “Blocked Up” after eating too many burgs off the dollar menu! Shot calla!

Mischa is O.C.(C). for some Mickey D’s!

Spotted: The Hamburglar on Burger Butt-troll, Halloween, 2k9!

So channel you’re inner Hamburglar and be the All The Fashionasty You Can Be!
Xoxo,

© JAKE THOMPSON

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About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
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One Response to True Hollywood Story: The Hamburglar

  1. Pingback: ғaѕнιonaѕтy dιgeѕт: weeĸly wrιтιngѕ on тнe wall #1 | fashionasty

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