More often than not, Fashionasties will encounter a slew of h8ers to the left while stomping their shit down the street. The simple solution to this equation would be to grow a pair, Bambi, and get thicked skin. However, Fashionasties are only burger babies at heart, magical creatures possessed by their own true blue vanity and fashionasty garbs…
So, Glitter Nation’s response to any Fashionasties that are experiencing Haterade-sipping hipster scumbags’ wrath, is to invest in some PADDING.
“Step back, you’re dancing kind of close,
(Click on the red “flow” to maxi-mize your profits!)
No, not those kind! We know that fashionasties have steady flows and wide-set vaginas, but we are talking about SHOUDLER PADS. These large-and-in-charge, built-in babies will give you full protection, better posture, and a coy smirk that even the dirtiest of Sanchez’ won’t be able to wipe off!
Unlike a pregnancy test (aka Code Fuschia), it is 100% (Pure Love) CLEAR that Lady Gaga is taking over the planet. Like Hitler, this Coax-erface has been trademarking shoulder pads to dominate the music world in a militant and menacing manner, brainwashing the young and the breastless to “Just Dance.”
“Let’s have some fun, these shoulder pads are sick,
I want to take a ride on your Cherry Chapstick!”
But long before tatter tots were going Goo-Goo for Gaga’s shoulder pads, there was a Band of Outsiders in the Eighties, that paved the wave for every Fashionasty that would follow in their scats.
“Thank you for being a trend.
Travel down the (to the middle) road and back again.”
You know you love them. XOXO, The Golden Girls AKA The Original G-Unit AKA The G-String Quartet, was ahead of their time emphasizing shoulders. Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, and Sophia were the H.B.I.C.’s of Florida. Toting around Miami’s finest in 95 degree weather in full business suits was too fashionasty for words!
Wearing shoulder pads proves that you are willing to take your fashionasty closet to the next level. You are going to get jiggy wit it, don some shoulder pads, and not apologize for it. Shoulder pads let all your confidants know that you infact have enough lettuce to support your shoe fetish, because you are a young professional business burger working 6 to 9.
You no longer have to have your three glasses of 2 % milk a day to have strong bones. Just pull up your pads, and vwalah! INSTANT B(G)UNS OF STEEL.
Long before she was Sexxing in the City,
Kim Cattrell was maxing out her fashionasty credit card
on (maxi) fashionasty shoulder pads!
Smellrose Place keeps it so real in Shoulder Pad Pandamonium!
“Now that it’s raining (men) more than ever!
You can stand under my shoulder pad – brella!”
The Hamburglar Helper doesn’t get it twisted by
being the Bea to his Arthur in this turquoise number.
So get out there and make Mami proud! Always wear protection, and be a team player. Shoulder pads will always have a way of getting back to you in the end.
Fads and shoulder pads,
© JAKE THOMPSON