TRUE LIFE: I’M ON A SAFARI

Unicorn Power meats Zebra Power on a safari built for two at Santos Party House.

It shouldn’t be a (birthday suit) surprise to fashionasties world wide that ANIMAL PRINT is a staple go-to, ready-to-wear, second skin for going out and getting noticed. But what happens when you meat other fashionasties that have decided to garnish the same loud-and-proud-get-drunk-to-get-noticed garb as yours truly. Don’t get mad, get GLAAD. Being fashionasty is about keeping the nasty on your clothes, not on eachother. We can all make room for one more at the (golden shower) water (glory) hole.
One can learn a thing or seven from wearing twin skins on your one way ticket to Partyville. For example, meat (locker) Kenya. The ferocious feline in the above photo…who we eavesdropped (it like it’s hot) in on her convo that she is -and we quote – always on a safari. Always prowling through the jungle. On the hunt for men.

Fashionasty to the Zebra Max(i Pad)!

We can’t agree with with you more, Kenya! There are NO two ways of (pizza pie) slicing around it: fashionasties are always on prowl patrol, looking for their next Intent to Incriminate; Special (ed) Victim’s U-U-Unit!
Why put yourself in a box, when you can think outside the bun and be the Man(naise)-Eater of your wildest (wet) dream!

We are Jonesing for your Indiana!

This colossal “Indy” burger beauty wants to take a bite o
ut of your Lost Ark!


Lock, stop, and drop it like it’s hot. We want to Tomb your Raider!


We will Park your JurA$$ic assets in the Lost World and Poke-your-hontass! We so hungry for some burger baby lovin’, we’ll even eat you off the toilet bowl. NASTYNASTY.ORG!
Chivalry is dead anyways, so we intend on making like banshees crossing the border of your boxer briefs in the night, and howling at your (full) moon.
Give us the machete, and you’ll be the balogna in our wonderbread!
As much as we want to be the proud H(amburglar) Biotches in Charge that we ought to be when on the hunt in the safari, we sometimes fall into boobie traps. It’s OK fashionasties, we are only burger babies at heart. That is why here at Glitter Nation Headquarters, we’ve created a No-Scrubs-Catitude-Survival-Guide to Living-Life-In-The-Safari-Fast-Food-Lane AKA The Jungle Book!

The BARE McNasticies!
The jungle is a hot mess and the only thing that should be wet is your Rainforest. Don’t get caught in the landslide, be the tickety tack toucan tranny that you’ve always dreamed of. Fashionasties are like vampires. We are fierce, we are nocturnal, and lord knows, Mami is always hungry!!! This guide will ensure that you pick the right prey!
“Why don’t you snack on something your own size?”
Real Fashionasties Have Curves. And this Elephant goddess will make like
a circus and pea your nut. Don’t be a Dumbo, this fashionasty is a big, bad, and beautiful! Makeitrain.com!

Birds the word! Tickety tack tranny toucans want to mix your milk with
their fruit loop cups! Because fashionasties know, trix are for dix!

This lion will not sleep tonight! Predators of this specimen will be the king of the jungle. You will make love in this club on Pride Mountain, and the only thing more gay will be Elton John serenading from the love below with “Can you FEEL the burger love tonight?!”

Why did Michael Jackson stay happy and smiling for so long?! BUBBLES, his chimp to his cho-cha! Monkeys will mix it up and make it happen. They like you in your banana hammock, and they will work you out like a jungle gym and put the lime in your coconut!

Zebras are always a winner because they are wearing a permenant fashionasty ensemble 20-ho-7-365. Often perceived a confused, asexual mollusks, these fab horses will treat you like the Catherine the Great that you are!

Fashionasties think Lions are at the TOP of the food chain…NEGATIVE! Unicorns are the double decker supreme. They are the only documented mammal in the safari that wears their feelings are their forehead. You no longer have to pussy foot with thug misters, this unicorn will let you know how it wants it, just by it’s mystical erection!
We (burger baby) hope this guide will act as somewhat of a halfway house for all you fashionasties out there so you can stop picking crap, and start preying on the juicy stuff! Be creative, be the BIG MAC(Gyver) and Magnum your prey’s P.I. Rest assured that you should never doubt a fashionasty! We are always hungry and we will have it DOUBLE DOUBLE ANIMAL STYLE!

Rumble in the Jungle,

© JAKE THOMPSON

 

Advertisements

About fashionastyjake

Fashionasty is a state of mind, a lifestyle, and a trend that will never die young. I like borderline ugly street fashion. I like burgers. I'm desperate to find you.
This entry was posted in Fashionasty Studies. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to TRUE LIFE: I’M ON A SAFARI

  1. this is the funniest thing i have ever read in my entirrreeee LIFEEEEEE

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s