Ponder me this Fashionasties…when you suck in your j-e-l-l-o, and pull up your party pants for a night of mayhem on the town, what is your drink of choice when you roll up in the club (sandwich)?
For instance, let’s say you are dressed to the nines in a swank-as-fuck hotel bar in the Upper West Side, and the fashionasty to your left is drinking…
a) Screwdriver (Malibu & OJ [Simpson])– they are the Tim to your Tool Man Taylor.
Aside from being a HAND-y man, this Home Improver will keep it kinky times twelve when his neighbor Wilson will play voyeur picketfence side. Just make sure he uses brand new nails. You don’t want to contract Hepatitis B on the first date. Especially from Tim Allen. Barf city!
b) Dark & Stormy (Ginger Beer & Rum) – they will be your Thunder Down Under!
This date will MAKE IT RAIN. PURPLE RAIN. If you’re looking for some clouds in your (black) coffee, this fashionasty will go where the wild things are and savage your garden. If it couldn’t get better, this butter burger baby will not only make your lightning CLAP, she’ll go lesbian on you the morning after Billy Myers style and kiss your rain. This fashionasty is a keeper!
c) Franzia (Red Red Vino) – they are the U to your B to your 40.
This fashionasty doesn’t want to play games. He wants to open your box, gozzle your pooch, and share the wealth. Plain (bagel) and simple. Beholders of this beverage tend to hail via The Phillipines. And we all know how F-U-N a filipino can be.
d) Juicey-Juice / Capri Sun – they will Alex your Mack!
Fashionasties that fall in this (s)category will gack you, attack you, and Whitney Houston style crack you. These fashionasties are like lunchables. They might lure you in with their fancy packaging and bright colors, but have some cent$ fashionasties! Have we taught you nothing?! Once you snap into this slim jim, you will reap no benefits or taste. This fashionasty will fill the void as flavor of your week.
e) Dirty Martini – They will put the O in your Olive!
…and leave no pimento behind! It’s part of the Leave-No-Martini-(In Your)-Behind Act. Like we told you, YOU ARE WHAT YOU DRINK. If this fashionasty is willing to keep it classy while getting trashy, they will not only put the sex in your city, they will put the stinky in your pinky. This is a hands down-no questions asked-don’t ask-don’t tell-126%-YES-WE-CAN-Si Senor-With the lights on-the doors open-in public-YES YOU CAN. You would pity the fool he didn’t cease this Olive opportunity!
So next time you are on prowl patrol, parting the Red Sea via vodka consumption with a funnel cup in your wide open, gaping mouth at some tranny dive bar in Brooklyn town, just remember some of this fashionasty rules and you will meat billions of burger babes.
Whether it’s a PBR, Mango Margarita, or Man Juice, make sure you carry the straw in the relationship. No one should take a backseat to their beverage. If you follow this guidelines, we ensure you will be SHAKEN and STIRRED.
This post has been approved by Kelis aka Dairy Queen:
Chicky Cherry Cola,
© JAKE THOMPSON